Saturday, September 17, 2011

It's strange being home. The moment we walked in the door on Thursday was terrible. It almost made me wish that I had never been able to bring her home. All of those memories are here and came flooding back to me. We had to take her to the emergency room so fast that day and had expected to come home right away so everything was still laying out how we left it. Luckily, family and friends had cleaned up around our house and put all of Naya's things into her room and shut the door. I haven't brought myself to go in there yet. I walk by her room and can't help but cry. It's too painful. Ty asked me last night if it was okay if he went in there and read her stories from her bookshelf. I told him that if that makes him feel better, he's more than welcome to but I can't go in there. I will go in there someday. I want to sit in her chair and rock and cry. Not yet but I will get there.

I've spent most of my days so far lying on my bed. That is also painful, as Naya spent most of her short time with us in our room, on our bed or in her bassinet. Sometimes I feel her there. It makes me cry, picturing her, lying on my chest sleeping. I know now that the ecoli was probably cursing through her bloodstream during this time. I just hope she wasn't in too much pain. I keep going over everything in my mind and wishing I had handled things differently. I wish I had acted on my gut instinct that something was wrong. I wish I had insisted to her stupid pediatrician that no, she wasn't just being "lazy" because I had gotten an epidural and forced them to run further tests. Don't judge me for this but we got a bill from the pediatrician's office today. I opened it, ripped off the bill form and wrote "please stuff this up your ass. Thanks! :)" and put it in the mail. I know it was childish but, sadly, it helped. Maybe it will make them think about it the next time. It was a good direction of my anger and grief for the time being. So are bloody marys.

Our dog also seems to be helpful to us. I think he can sense our sadness and grief. That was one beautiful part of walking into our house. My dog had already been picked up and was sitting in his spot by the front window. He saw me, did a double take, and jumped up with an excited look on his face. When I walked in, he ran to me and started giving me kisses with his little curly tail wagging away. He's always been clingy (he's a pug - we have always called him "the velcro dog") but he's even more so now. It's amazing how animals can make you feel better. Their complete, unconditional love is remarkable.

I've been sitting outside a lot for the past two days. Dan set up our outside area awhile ago with my hammock from Nicaragua and plants and wind chimes and I find it very peaceful. There is a wind chime that we got as a wedding present hanging next to the window of Naya's room. As I was sitting there, the wind was softly blowing and making the most beautiful melodic song. It may be corny but I believe it was her - playing me music while I cried. I miss you so much Naya. I wish you were here with me. I love you.

16 comments:

  1. Ty is such a good big brother wanting to read her stories! Such a sweet way to grieve. I'm so glad your dog is there to help you grieve and get through this time. I still wish there was something I could say that would help to alleviate your pain but I know there isn't and maybe there shouldn't be. You said earlier in your blog that Naya always loved listening to the music you played on your iPod so I think it's very fitting that she played music on your wind chimes for you. Please know that I'm still keeping you and your family in my thoughts!

    Jamie

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  2. Im so sorry for your grief and undescribeable pain. I wish I could have waived that magic wand you were needing. Please don't blame yourself or beat your self up with what ifs. You didn't know that's it, you were misguided by your healthcare provider you tried to help her and you did help her. You are a great mom to her. Im not sure it would help but someone told me after my dad passed away that we can ask God for healing and its up to him how that happens either physically here on earth or spiritually up there with him, but either way they are healed and your prayer was answered. Bless you you and your family I pray that the heaviness on your heart lifts soon and if it doesnt I pray it lightens. Hugs to y'all

    Kristen july birth board

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  3. Jamie I just wanted you to know that Naya's story has changed me. As a person, as a wife,and as a mother. I am praying for you and your family, everyday. What an amazing baby girl,that she can touch people that she never even met. You should be so proud. I am sending love your way. May God be with you, and heal your heart.

    Stacey, from the July birth board

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  4. My heart breaks for you and your family. As someone said before, your daughter has changed me also. Your strength is also very inspirational. Although every word I read makes me cry, they are incredibly beautiful. I will ALWAYS remember Naya. I know I will think of her often for the rest of my life even though I never knew her. You will forever be on my heart. I've been praying that God will surround all of you with comfort.

    p.s. i also have a pug, aren't they the best!

    Much Love,
    Kim, July birth board

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  5. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am from the july birth board on babycenter and I just wanted to say something, anything to you. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Please keep talking about Naya, talking to your loved ones and also writing about her and your feelings. Allow yourself to be taken care of and supported..you truly need it right now. Keep reaching out. God bless

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  6. I cant read your blog without crying. Praying very hard for comfort for your family. It's sad that it takes a tragedy such as this to make people truly appreciate what they have, but that's what your story has done for me. Never again will I take anything for granted. Keep praying, and grieve as long as you need to. Everyone on the July board is praying for you and has you in their thoughts. God bless
    Megan
    -July Birth Board

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss. I cried in the middle of the night last night while reading your post. In the grind of daily life it is easy to forgot what you have to be thankful for. Naya has touched my life and you have been in my thoughts since I started reading your blog a week ago. You are a strong, amazing woman. Much love, Marianne, July Baby Center Birth Board

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  8. I check in on your blog daily. I often think of the momma in California, who I never met, yet will never forget. I simply seen you ask a question on an internet birth board. Sometimes I feel guilty for some of the responses you got and sorry I didn't respond too. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope it helps to prevent this from happening again and reminds mama's to trust their instinct. It sounds like you did everything you could to get her help. YOu are an amazing mother and person. She was very blessed to have you. -Dezerae, July Birth Board

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  9. I dont think its corny at all to think it was Naya making the music for you, I believe with all of my heart that it was her. Especially after these last few days, I definitely believe in guardian angels and you have the tiniest, most beautiful one in the whole world.

    Now that you're home, if you ever need someone to talk/vent/scream/whatever at, I'm here...oh and the pediatricians bill...brilliant. :) <3

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  10. I am praying for you and yours. To be as strong as you are right now is incredible. Your angel had to be playing music for her Mama, she doesn't want to see you so upset. I promise she's always with you. I lost my first child and I know it was a boy even though we never knew the sex. The day I lost him I noticed butterflies everywhere. It was as if they followed me! A year later they still do and I know it's my Son. I'm sending love and prayers your way. Just know Naya will always watch over you, Mama <3
    - Cassy, July birth board

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  11. Of course that was Naya playing music! I truly believe heaven is full of surprises and in your heart you will know when she is saying something to you or simply blowing, from her strong lungs, on those windchimes. We are here to listen so talk about it all as long as you want. I know this may sound inappropriate but your blog would make a beautiful book. A memory of how short life is but how much impact one can make. I hope that doesn't offend you. You and your beautiful family have made a permanent mark in my heart. Good for you telling them to suck it with that bill!!!!

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  12. Jaime, sitting here thinking of you.....you have no idea how often. Everything around here reminds me of your family. I wish I could give you a big hug. My heart aches for you and Dan and I will keep you in my prayers always. Xoxo

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  13. I love the comment you wrote on the bill! Sweetie write, scream, cry, whatever you need to do. Your writing is so beautiful. And so is your little girl. We were all blessed with her presence. I wish I could think of something lovely and conforting, but I just sit here with tears streaming down my face, wishing I could hug you, cook for your family and 'do' something. I'm sorry. and you will be in our prayers. ~ irishmama7 from BBC July birth board

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  14. Sitting here at work with a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes and a heart that is absolutely breaking for you. So sad for you all...I can't even imagine what you're going through. Love you!

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  15. My heart is still aching for you and your family. Your strength is amazing! I lost a baby to a miscarriage and that was difficult to mourn... I can only imagine what it's like to mourn Naya. She's a beautiful baby and her spirit with always be with you! She WAS and will continue to play music for you when she see's you need it. You will get your strength through her. Lean on eachother as a family for strength also. You have a wonderful family surrounding you! Keep blogging. It not only helps you heal, it will help your friends and followers heal. Naya captured many hearts and those hearts captured yours. We all care and pray for peace. You will never forget Naya and she will never forget what you did for her. She fought to be with her Mama, daddy, big bro, etc... I know you know, she will ALWAYS be with you!

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  16. I sit here and cry as I read this post. I cant even think of words to type. All I want to do is send you a hug. We dont know each other and never will, but you will always be in my prayers. I lost it when I read that her big brother wanted to read her a story. Such a sweetheart. I pray that he will continue doing this as time goes on. Naya is loved and remembered by so many people, she will never be forgotten.

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