Today has been rougher to me than the past few. After I wrote last night, Dan and I went outside to watch the lightening storm - a rare occurrence in our neck of the woods.We both sat there and cried as we watched the sky light up every 15 seconds or so while the wind chime played its delicate music. We went to bed soon after and I had a dream about her. I should probably explain the significance of this, to me. Every time someone close to me has passed away, I usually have a dream about them within a month or so of their passing. They know they have died in the dream and we talk about it, cry, hug and say goodbye. This one was a little different. I dreamt that the hospital called us and said that they made a mistake. That she hadn't really died and that we should come right away to get her. We came and I held her while Dan removed some of the lines that she had in her leg and chest. She opened her eyes and looked at me, smiled and said "hi mommy." It was strange because in the dream, it didn't seem like she knew she was dead. She acted like it was all a mistake and she was alive and better, older even. I woke up in tears and have not really recovered all day.
I think what haunts me the most is the image of her on the day she died. I don't even really want to describe how her body looked, with the grotesque swelling and all of the tubes and wires poking out of her poor, tiny frame. I want to block out the image of us being handed her to hold while she passed. How she gave a little quiver and her eyelids flickered as she took her last breath. How I was screaming and crying from the emotional pain of that moment. It scares me that I am never, ever going to emotionally recover from this. I know that I have to go through this now but I will ever be able to go a whole day without being unbearably sad? Will I ever be able to experience happiness again? Will I ever feel like rejoining the world again? What our lives have become is simply terrifying to me. I loved my life and I know I will never have it back but will my new normal ever be enough?