Today has been rougher to me than the past few. After I wrote last night, Dan and I went outside to watch the lightening storm - a rare occurrence in our neck of the woods.We both sat there and cried as we watched the sky light up every 15 seconds or so while the wind chime played its delicate music. We went to bed soon after and I had a dream about her. I should probably explain the significance of this, to me. Every time someone close to me has passed away, I usually have a dream about them within a month or so of their passing. They know they have died in the dream and we talk about it, cry, hug and say goodbye. This one was a little different. I dreamt that the hospital called us and said that they made a mistake. That she hadn't really died and that we should come right away to get her. We came and I held her while Dan removed some of the lines that she had in her leg and chest. She opened her eyes and looked at me, smiled and said "hi mommy." It was strange because in the dream, it didn't seem like she knew she was dead. She acted like it was all a mistake and she was alive and better, older even. I woke up in tears and have not really recovered all day.
I think what haunts me the most is the image of her on the day she died. I don't even really want to describe how her body looked, with the grotesque swelling and all of the tubes and wires poking out of her poor, tiny frame. I want to block out the image of us being handed her to hold while she passed. How she gave a little quiver and her eyelids flickered as she took her last breath. How I was screaming and crying from the emotional pain of that moment. It scares me that I am never, ever going to emotionally recover from this. I know that I have to go through this now but I will ever be able to go a whole day without being unbearably sad? Will I ever be able to experience happiness again? Will I ever feel like rejoining the world again? What our lives have become is simply terrifying to me. I loved my life and I know I will never have it back but will my new normal ever be enough?
I dont believe you will ever be able to fully heal You will always think of her she will always be a part of yours and your family's life...and It should be that way Right now is a very hard time No parent should EVER have to go threw what you have gone threw Its terrible....I couldnt even begin To imagine ...But Time will Heal.... You will one day be able to be happy again...Just think she is In a better place...You dont have to worry If she is in Pain or suffering....She was a Very Beautiful Baby Girl...Ide like to Think God has hos reason For blessing you with her then taking Her....keep Up the Posts and My thoughts and Prayers are and will remain with you and your family...Keep strong!!!!
ReplyDeleteSending you a huge hug......don't worry about time....just deal with each minute and each hour...don't worry about anything else...honor yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel each minute......don't question...it just beats yourself up... know you are truly LOVED....and know your daughter is without pain...sooo love the humming bird story...in time you will find your new normal...I promise
ReplyDeleteThere are many of us who continually feel the sadness. I have gone into secluded areas of my home and have cried multiple times a day. I look at the pictures of You, Daniel, Ty and Naya all the time. Happy times captured in pictures. But I know these are times in the past. There are no words that will ever soften your heart ache and sadness. Every day I wish I can hold her in my arms again. I hope you and Daniel keep on having signs and dreams of her presence where ever you are. Naya is reaching out to let you know she is fine. Love You all. Rod
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog via a mutual friend about 3-4 weeks ago, and have prayed for you and your family every day since then, usually more than once a day. I won't say anything else because I know there is nothing I can say that will help...so I'll just keep praying.
ReplyDelete--Melissa
Things will get better. You will never forget her but the memories will change to happier ones. You will never be the same, but you will feel happiness again.
ReplyDeleteTime Takes Time. What you are going through is an enormous loss that many of us will never have to experience. Your grace and emotional outpouring helps us as well as you. Keep writing. Keep talking. Keep getting it out of you.
I know you may not feel it, but you are doing so great considering these extreme circumstances. Your ordeal has been horrendous and you have been a symbol of grace through it all. I'm sure you may not have felt like it at times but your reactions are all normal and in fact, healthy. You are moving through the emotions, feeling your feelings, and in time, you will heal.
You have created a wonderful legacy for Naya. I'm believe her visit was to tell you how thankful she is for all that you and Dan did for her, that she knows you all did everything you good, that she blames no one, and that she is at peace and so proud of her amazing mother. I have a feeling Naya will be with you in spirit always. And what a gift that is.
Love you,
Mychele
I hope this doesn't offend, but I found this today and couldn't stop thinking about sharing it with you. All my love to you and your family.
ReplyDeletehttp://mormon.org/faq/together-forever/
Jamie,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that I have followed you through your story and my heart aches for you and Dan. I have asked a friend with a similar story to contact you to offer any support that she can. I know that she has left you a message here, but am not sure that you got it...her name is Heather Buchanan Spohr (heatherspohr@gmail.com) and she lost her Maddie. I hope that maybe you two could chat, and somehow and she could help you, and maybe even you, her. I know that she has gone on, somehow, no matter how painful it has been, so could offer you some encouragement. I know that she is a special person, as are you, so can't help but think that maybe the relationship would be a good one. My prayers are with you.
Melissa Watkins
Jamie- You are so right regarding the Humming Bird. At the services of my three granddaughters three butterfly's landed on each coffin at the same time. I had become close to the third baby born and was allowed to name her and have her baptized. That butterfly flew from Haley and landed on my hair. It remained on my head during the entire service. When my mother passed a owl came to the wake, during the day, and remained at the house for a week visiting with me. A owl also appeared at my parents cabin, 500 miles from our home, and stayed with my father for another week. I asked my American Indian friends about this and they believe that the spirit takes a living form for whatever time is needed for the family. So I believe Naya is your Humming Bird. Love, Pat
ReplyDeleteMy heart literally aches for the two of you. As a first time mother, I can't help but to cry as I follow your blog. I believe you will always carry an emotional scar, but the healing process will begin. My husband had a child before we got together. The child was born with a heart defect, hyperplastic right heart syndrome. Spent the first 14 days of his life in the NICU, had open heart surgery at 2 days old, and finally came home. He passed the day he turned 2 months old. My husband opens up about him and although the pain is still evident, especially now that Emma has passed the 2 month mark and just turned 3 months, he is able to go on...and I believe you will too.
ReplyDeleteYou will always be in my thoughts and prayers. I have shared your story and your blog with my husband and he wanted me to tell you, with tears in his own eyes, that Naya and Landyn (his son) are best friends, smiling as they are healthy and happy, looking down on the family they love so very much.
I'll continue to follow you and I will pray for the healing to begin.
Always,
Cassie
emmasmom628@gmail.com