I don't really know how to start this one tonight. Naya had a terrible night last night. Enough so that we got our first late night phone call from the hospital. The pneumothorax came back and caused her to de-sat. Her blood pressure plummeted as well. She was looking better when they called us though. When we came in this morning, her blood pressure was incredibly low and her sats were awful. Dan and I were sure we were going to lose her this morning and started preparing ourselves as much as someone humanly can. We both agreed earlier in the week that if she codes, we aren't going to let them do chest compressions on her. We also aren't going to let them put anymore chest tubes in her. We don't want to cause her any more pain and suffering. If she codes, she is letting us know that she is done fighting and we have to let her go.
The doctor decided to reposition one of her chest tubes to see if that would help the pneumothorax. After two tries, she accomplished it and Naya's sats and blood pressure started to rise. They are still looking good right now and I hope it's not a temporary thing.
I have to brutally honest now. Naya's situation is not looking good. In a normal course of septic shock, a patient will almost always be in the recovery stage during the third week of illness. Naya has been in critical condition for 6 weeks now. Her lungs are essentially ruined and her body is just not responding to treatment. Dan and I may be optimistic and want to believe that she will recover but we know the odds of that are very slim. Her quality of life after this is also definitely in question. There may be a point reached when we are not helping her anymore and treating her is just delaying the inevitable because we don't want to let her go. We are not quite there yet but the doctors feel that things may have run their course. We are still holding on but it's getting harder in light of the situation. We love our daughter so much.
Every night, I say the same thing to Naya. I tell her "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." The truth is, she came into this world choosing her own path by deciding to make her entrance the day before I was supposed to be induced. I will let her to continue to make her own choices.