The title pretty much sums up this experience. Surreal. I still feel like I am in a daze and that this can't possibly be happening to me. Maybe it's the whole denial part of the grieving process but I just can't comprehend it. Sometimes, I feel like she's still inside of me, moving around, kicking me in the ribs and just there. It's possibly because she did so much damage in there before she was born (my ribs are still sore and actual kicked out my xiphoid process in utereo) but I feel like it's more psychological. Or maybe I just want to feel a connection to her. Who knows.
Today, Dan and I spent a lot of time outside. He worked in our yard, planting trumpet vines and removing this ugly tree while I watched. We noticed that a hummingbird has been hanging around the trumpet vines lately even though we have never seen one in our yard before. We both thought the same thing - maybe it's her. We went over to my dad's house for dinner and my stepmom told me that earlier in the week, a hummingbird got into their house. On two separate days. Maybe it sounds corny or again, maybe I am just looking for anything, but I want to believe it's her. I could see her being a hummingbird. Small, beautiful and graceful just like she would have been as a girl. I will take it.
We also put the finishing touches on her burial and memorial service today and wrote her obituary. We are having a private burial on Friday, September 30th and a public memorial on October 1st. The memorial service will be held at the Dinosaur Caves Park Amphitheatre in Shell Beach, CA at 11am and everyone is welcome. It's going to be a very simple service but hopefully, quite beautiful. Here is a link to the park's website for anyone who is interested. http://www.pismobeach.org/index.aspx?nid=288 The picture that is shown on this page is the park itself and the amphitheatre is the concrete circular thing on the left hand side. It overlooks the cliffs of Shell Beach and is quite beautiful. Naya loved the ocean. She spent her first days after being conceived swimming with me in the waters of the Caribbean outside of Panama so I know she will approve.
Thanks again everyone for your support and thoughts. We love you all.