The title pretty much sums up this experience. Surreal. I still feel like I am in a daze and that this can't possibly be happening to me. Maybe it's the whole denial part of the grieving process but I just can't comprehend it. Sometimes, I feel like she's still inside of me, moving around, kicking me in the ribs and just there. It's possibly because she did so much damage in there before she was born (my ribs are still sore and actual kicked out my xiphoid process in utereo) but I feel like it's more psychological. Or maybe I just want to feel a connection to her. Who knows.
Today, Dan and I spent a lot of time outside. He worked in our yard, planting trumpet vines and removing this ugly tree while I watched. We noticed that a hummingbird has been hanging around the trumpet vines lately even though we have never seen one in our yard before. We both thought the same thing - maybe it's her. We went over to my dad's house for dinner and my stepmom told me that earlier in the week, a hummingbird got into their house. On two separate days. Maybe it sounds corny or again, maybe I am just looking for anything, but I want to believe it's her. I could see her being a hummingbird. Small, beautiful and graceful just like she would have been as a girl. I will take it.
We also put the finishing touches on her burial and memorial service today and wrote her obituary. We are having a private burial on Friday, September 30th and a public memorial on October 1st. The memorial service will be held at the Dinosaur Caves Park Amphitheatre in Shell Beach, CA at 11am and everyone is welcome. It's going to be a very simple service but hopefully, quite beautiful. Here is a link to the park's website for anyone who is interested. http://www.pismobeach.org/index.aspx?nid=288 The picture that is shown on this page is the park itself and the amphitheatre is the concrete circular thing on the left hand side. It overlooks the cliffs of Shell Beach and is quite beautiful. Naya loved the ocean. She spent her first days after being conceived swimming with me in the waters of the Caribbean outside of Panama so I know she will approve.
Thanks again everyone for your support and thoughts. We love you all.
I keep typing things and then keep erasing them....there's just nothing I can write that will get across to you all of the things I want to say. I just can't stop thinking about you. Hopefully the right words will come to me in time, but until then, please dont forget how much you all are loved. As far as the hummingbird...there's not a doubt in my mind. <3
ReplyDeleteThe service sounds beautiful. Although my body will be in St. Louis, my heart and mind will be with you. Strange about the hummingbird, I saw 2 recently here. First time in 12 years. Once when I was really having a hard time and the second when our daughter had a skull fracture. In fact the one almost hit me in the head. I was told years ago hummingbirds are a sign of healing and peace.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter, Ainsley, and I went to church yesterday and light two candles. One for Naya and one for you, Jamie.
ReplyDeleteAinsley, 9 weeks, was fussy all day. When we went into church and said our prayers, she became calm. I'd like to think she was sending a prayer to Naya. One of peace and watchfulness. I sent mine to you... From one mother to another... May Naya be with you always and you with her. May you be a terrific mother to your children here on earth, and your beautiful daughter when you meet her again.
You are always in our prayers.
Jamie~ I can only imagine the mixed emotions you are going through. And I am sure you constantly ask yourself " when am I going to wake up from this hellish nightmare? " I wish I could just wake you up and tell you that it was all a terrible dream. You are so incredibly strong! You will always have the connection with Naya...in spirit and association...like the wind chimes and the hummingbird. She is there, watching you, protecting you, loving you! She wants you to grieve so you can heal and she knows that you love her more than words can say. You are one amazing woman, Jamie!!
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I have been stalking your blog, and am so consumed by your story. I think about you, Dan, and Naya all the time, and am constantly checking for updates--thank you for continuing to write. As you already know, there are no words, and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have seen a hummingbird (for the first time in a long time) outside my front window several times this past week. Now I know its her.
ReplyDeleteWe love you all! And you're in our thoughts constantly!
ReplyDeleteJamie, I continue to follow this blog and suffer a little with you. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with us and letting us follow in this painful journey. Don't apologize, rant, cry, laugh, smile, anything. Nothing can bring her back, but I can only send the most positive thoughts and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have been following you. I'm truly sorry for what happened. Naya has touched so many lives in her short time here, but I know she's watch out over you and your family. No doubt that the hummingbird was her checking up on you.
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