I meant to write last night but was in absolutely no condition to put together a coherent thought. Yesterday, we attended a fundraiser for Naya that was put together by some wonderful friends and family. We weren't sure if we were going to attend until the last minute or so but figured that it was the best way to get over seeing people we know. That's one really crappy part of this - rejoining society when we know that everyone is looking at us and feeling sorry for us. Not that I can blame them, I feel sorry for us. It's just hard because I know no one knows what to say to us. There really is nothing to say. We lost our child. It's the worst thing that can ever possibly happen to someone. I know that. They know that. It sucks.
But we went to get it over with. And it was a beautiful event that people worked really hard to put together for us. The outpouring of support was incredible. And surreal. I'm sure we looked like zombies but we really tried hard to pull it together and even had a bit of fun. We have such a wonderful group of family, friends and community and we are so lucky in that aspect. It doesn't take the pain away but it did help.
Afterward, Lindsay and Phil came over and made us mommy soup and hung out. I drank entirely too much. I know that is not the way to deal with our problems but last night I didn't care. Lindsay and I passed out on my bed just holding each other. It helped Linds - it really did but I was paying for it this morning. Worse than the ever famous bacardi night, that's for sure. I spent the entirety of the day in my bed again. I'm really going to have to work on that. I made an appointment today to see a counselor on Wednesday. I just wish I could speed up the healing process. I hate being like this. I hate being so sad and depressed. I hate feeling like the little things are overwhelming. Like doing laundry or cleaning my kitchen is akin to climbing Everest or something. But it is. That's not going to change yet.
Both Dan and I are taking some time off work for the time being. I don't know how we are going to afford it but I can't go there yet. We have started making some arrangements as well. The funeral home is going down to pick up her body tomorrow and we are going to meet with the cemetery to discuss the burial. We have decided to do a private burial and then hold a memorial service the next day in Shell Beach. I like the idea of not having something in a funeral home. Too sad and I don't want it to be all about death. I want it to be about remembering - not only her but also about remembering to cherish all the people we love. After this is all over, we have been talking about getting away somewhere for a couple of days. Our lives have been so stressful for the past two months that we are both going crazy. I've heard that being in a NICU is as stressful as being in a war. Lots of people develop disorders. I hope it's not going to come to that with us but who knows. I swear I can still hear the monitors beeping, even now at home. The images are awful to deal with too. I'm trying not to think about them but you can't help it. My mind just won't turn off.