Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Let it Out

One thing that I completely hate is that I can not look at pictures of Naya. It hurts too much. Not that I have many pictures of her (I seriously have maybe 20 where she is not sick) but I can not look at them without sobbing. I hate it. I want to be able to look at my baby and feel some joy but everytime I do, it kills me. I think it's because it makes this all seem real. Most of the time I can fight it and pretend that this never happened. That's honestly how I get through the day - I keep myself so busy that I can ignore the fact that my daughter is dead. But when I find myself with extra time and do things like sit down at the computer and look at the pictures of her, it tears up my heart. It makes me realize that she was here, she was alive and these are real pictures of my daughter who is dead. I had her, I was holding her at one time and now she's gone and I will never hold her again. Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate this. I want my daughter here. I want to hold her and give her a kiss. I want her to exist in something other than pictures and my memory. I want this nightmare to be over.

I try to stay postive and most of the time, I may seem fine but somedays I just have to let it out. This life sucks. It hurts and I want my daughter back.

Friday, November 9, 2012

The Moose

Wow. I can't believe it's already November 9. I have been completely lacking in the writing department lately and for that I apologize. I've got a little one that does not enjoy napping or sitting at the computer. Typing with one hand sucks anyway. I am actually writing (most of) this during a 2am feeding with one hand on my phone. I am lucky my writer's block does not occur at night.

Everything with Rhone is going well. The kid is a moose and healthier then can be. We had his two month check up today. The kids is 13lbs 9oz and is in the 85th % for weight and 50% for height. I actually thought it was going to be more (from weighing him at home) but it's not. Good news for me because that means I am two lbs lighter than I thought I was too and I will take that. I'm doing good with my weight loss but I would like it to come off faster (don't) we all. Rhone's also developing pretty quickly - already rolling over and holding his head up in a 90 degree angle for prolonged periods of time. The doctor said he wouldn't be surprised if he starts fully rolling around soon. He also said it looks like we have an early developer and could probably expect him to hit milestones earlier. Overachiever. All-in-all, he's a big, strong, healthy boy which means the world to me. He seems to be taking to his vaccines well (no reactions so far) and the best news is that the doctor believes that if he was going to have any issues with his colon or intestines, they would have already presented themselves. That made me feel 1000 times better.

I can't believe it's already been two months though. Sometimes, it feels like he's been around forever and sometimes it feels like it's only been days. It was kind of a hard time for me when he hit the day that he was officially alive longer than Naya. It made me really sad. Who knew that it would affect me? I think that's one very strange thing about grief - you never know what events are going to set you off. Sometimes it's obvious things like birthdays, anniversaries and Holidays but sometimes it's more subtle - like the day your rainbow outlives the child you lost. It's those days that really knock you off your ass because you can't tell they are coming and prepare for them like you do those bigger, more obvious days.

I've been keeping myself busy, as usual. Right now, my big project is planning a service for the Compassionate Friends annual candlelighting for bereaved parents coming up in December. It will have speakers, musicians and a reading of names of our children. I really hope it will be a beautiful and healing experience for members of our community. The candlelighting is a worldwide event that takes place on the second Sunday of December every year at 7pm in your local timezone. The idea is to create a wave of light around the world for the children who have been lost.

If you would like to attend a candlelighting in your area, please check here for more info. 

If you would like your child's name read at my ceremony, please let me know and I will be honored to include them.