Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Anger

Warning: This blog may contain adult language and material. Please be advised.

Welcome to the five stages of grief. At least that's what the counselor told me that I visited today. (She actually didn't put it like that. She was very nice, understanding and helpful.) Today, I am going to discuss anger and it is a directed rant towards the hospital we delivered in and our pediatrician. Over these past two months, we have obviously been in contact with a lot of different people, many of them being medical professionals. They have all stated the same thing - this shouldn't have happened. Naya should have never been released from the hospital in the first place without pooping. The pediatrician should have never given them the green light to release her. She displayed all the signs of sepsis the first day she was born. They should have caught it. This should have been prevented.

I know being angry at the situation does not bring Naya back. I know that the what ifs are normal and a terrible part of the grieving process. But that doesn't mean that I can prevent them from happening. Someone should have done their damn job instead of dismissing her (and me) for being lazy. Someone should have listened to us. Should have cared. That was why I was so angry when I got the bill from the stupid peds office. BTW, they called me yesterday. I didn't answer - didn't recognize the number. I looked it up afterwards. They didn't even leave a message. Probably realized who it was and didn't know what to say. What do you say? "Sorry I fucked up and killed your kid? You still need to pay your bill." Assholes.

That's another "fun" part of this. The bills (and late notices, for that matter) are starting to roll in. We haven't gotten the big one from CHLA yet but I am sure that's going to be a doozy. $225,000 just for the hospital portion when she spent those 11 days in Santa Barbara alone. That doesn't include the doctors fees, pharmacy bills, x-rays, etc. We've been told not to think about that yet but how can we not? She spent 5 weeks at CHLA. I see a price tag in the millions in our future. So now, not only did we lose our daughter, but now we are going to lose everything. How the hell is anyone expected to pay for a bill that size? I'm sorry but I wasn't born with a trust fund. I don't play a professional sport and I sure as hell didn't win the lotto lately. So how does that work? I don't want to get political on here because that is not what this blog is about but this is what is fucked up about our health care system. The number one reason people declare bankruptcy in the United States is due to unforeseen medical bills. Guess who is probably going to be joining that statistic?! But I won't worry about that right now. Just let those bills and late notices pile up on our kitchen counter while I pick out cremation containers and burial plots. Awesome.

I apologize for the rant and hope I didn't offend anyone. Just needed an outlet for my anger. Thanks for letting me rant.

16 comments:

  1. You have every fucking right to be pissed! And don't ever apologize for "offending" anyone, because I don't think you did! Use whatever foul language you need....vent! Also fuck the hospital bills! You probably have a very large law suit coming your way. Not that it will change the fact that Naya is not here! At least it will maybe help one child, so that dumb ass pediatrician doesn't make the same lazy decision again! Maybe another family doesn't have to endure the absolute hell that you all have to! Be pissed...for now! Sorry for my venting, but I hate to see the people I love in such pain!

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  2. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you have to go through this =-[

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  3. You don't have to answer this, obviously, but did they ever say where the infection came from? With the contraction of the bacteria, releasing her, then continuously missing it... I think they DESERVE to pay. It's not going to bring her back, given. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    Anyone reading what you went through would have to take your case.

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  4. I'm from the July Birth Board, and I have been following your blog ever since the link was posted on our board. I have never lost a child, but I have lost two parental figures, very recently, due to the same hospital screwing up and not catching things that anyone fresh out of medical school could have caught. The pain of knowing that the death should not have happened is heart wrenching, and you have every right in the world to be as angry as you are. Praying for your family very hard.

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  5. Nothing is going to bring back Naya...

    But you should SUE!!! It will help you grieve, but also...you need to prevent this from happening to anyone else!! Someone else may easily be put in the same situation in the future. Not to mention, she contracted the bacteria in the hospital! Meaning they are not as clean as they should be, OR one of their medical professionals was not washing their hands as they should. Either way it's THEIR fault.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I look at my little girl every day and I'm thankful to have her because I know what you've lost. I'm soooo sorry hun.

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  6. Jamie--It is not your fault. And I know that you don't want to worry about the bills (maybe move the pile from the kitchen counter--where you see them everyday--to another, more hidden place so you don't have to look at them lately). You've already lost your daughter, you shouldn't lose anything else!!! I say you file the biggest f-ing lawsuit against your pediatrician. I'm no lawyer (only experience is from endless Law and Order marathons), but if all the medical professionals are saying this should have never happened, I say you have a great case on your hands. At least get the money to cover the bills, heck--pay off your house, pay for Ty to go to college, have money for your retirement--so you don't have any more stress in your life.

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  7. i agree with filing a lawsuit. it is absolutely absurb how things were handled.
    when my son was born they suspected he had sepsis. he was breathing rapidly and not eating well. he also didn't poop for a while. they took every precaution to prevent it in case that was the issue. they gave him antibiotics, took urine tests and blood draws and they were not quick to release us at all. we spent a week in the hospital. they said they wanted to be absolutely sure he was ok, which in the end he was.

    so i agree with the others, you should never have been released from the hospital. i am deeply sorry that they were so neglectful to you and your precious baby girl. you deserve to be angry. fight them with all you've got, they did you a great injustice.

    Strength and love to you and your family. May Naya rest in peace.

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  8. Sarah from the July BoardSeptember 22, 2011 at 8:06 AM

    I am so sorry you are going through this; I can't even imagine how terrible it is to be receiving those bills after losing Naya. And you should be angry! Heck, I'm angry for you!

    And I agree, if part of the political system is that you get outrageous bills, part of it is also that you can seek reparations from those who screwed up big time.

    Hugs! Know that there are complete strangers out there still thinking about you and praying for you and your family! It will all work out!

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  9. Jamie-Ive followed your blog and am part of the July BB. I just wanted to say that you have EVERY right to be angry and post what ever you need to! My son had two stays in the hospital and I have no idea how we are going to pay for it either. I can COMPLETELY understand what your are feeling about that part and your damned right I would seek legal aid and sue! They should have never released her in the first place-which I know only frustrates and makes it hurt that much more. I don't know you but I feel like I do-and I think about you, family and Naya everyday. I would do everything in my power to try to prevent this from happening-the hospital needs to have a stricter policy and if I were you, Id tell the Pedi office they can kiss my ass--in person if I had to...

    hang in there momma---sending you big hugs and tons of prayers!

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  10. You and your husband have every right to be upset. It's what you do next that matters. It happened, now what. Do it right but without anger. After the rant in writing and with your husband and therapist, stop and think. Keep all of your bills neatly in order. Talk with an attorney. You need wisdom right now not a mob behind you. Yes, sadly, Naya didn't survive. Yes, she suffered and so did the whole family. Get her medical records. from birth through death. Order them NOW before they catch on. They, the hospital and those who released her for home, already know they made a mistake. If you have all of your proof it will be so much easier to get what is necessary done, and done quickly.
    Then you will be able to finish grieving. Please don't stay bitter and angry. We all make mistakes. Whoever released her knows. I'm sure if they know what has happened they are grieving too. The goal should be for them to learn their lesson and pay for the bills that would not have happened had they had their eyes open sooner. Anyway, that's up to an attorney.
    It's obvious you have many friends and a wonderful family behind you. Your son and husband need you. Don't miss the blessings through this.
    From someone who cares....

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  11. ps God got you through the really tough times. Keep Him with you now. Ask Him and He will guide you. Don't give up on God because circumstances didn't turn out the way we all wanted it to. We don't always understand the "Whys".
    I truly wish I could take a wand, twirl it around with all the gold glitter that it can swirl, give it one last tap and make it all go away or start over to catch the error. But this is not a fairy tale. It's real. I don't want you to hurt anymore but it's apart of being alive. Go hug your husband and son.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts from the very beginning.

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  12. Charlene did you just point out that Naya suffered?? And who are you to tell them to do it right but without anger. You should be ashamed of yourself.

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  13. I hope you sue, and I hope it's a big, fat f*ing amount; though nothing can bring sweet Naya back. I am continually amazed at how dismissive doctors can be. Took my docs 2 years to diagnose my cancer, telling me I was tired because "maybe you're depressed."

    You channel that anger however you need to. We are all in your corner.

    Thank you for continuing to be an inspiration.

    Hugs,
    Ocean_sigh (July BBC)

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  14. Jamie,

    Do WHAT you want, WHEN you want, and HOW you want.
    You have my support.

    Love, Betty D.

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  15. SUE THE FUCKING BASTARDS....THE WHOLE LOT OF THE...SUE THE HOSPITAL, SUE THE PEDIATRICIAN IT WONT BRING NAYA BACK BUT IF IT PREVENTS THIS FROM HAPPENING AGAIN THEN GOOD...At the same time I say that I would hate it if people were constantly telling me after such a tragedy that perhaps my baby girl who passed on was brought onto this earth to help others or serve a purpose..Forget that I don’t want to teach anyone a lesson I don’t want to help others I'd just want my baby girl back...I don’t know if any of this made sense I’m just so angry for you guys!!

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  16. Dear Jamie- I am sending you my love and prayers for what you are experiencing. I feel like I know you because your father and I have talked about you regarding your love of music in particular the Dave Matthews Band. I met Dave in Virgina, while visiting a college, before the band was formed. We have been friends since. I also spent ten days at the CHLA with my son and his wife watching my three granddaughters fight to survive. They did not. We all experienced such pain that I felt my heart breaking. Two weeks ago I lost my father who I had raised for the last twenty years. Because of my job and legal issues I have not had the opportunity to grieve. I need to badly! Please continue to cry, express anger, and miss your baby. All of those emotions are healthy. Your blogs are very special and important for other infants and parents. Stay strong! Love, Pat

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