Warning: This blog may contain adult language and material. Please be advised.
Welcome to the five stages of grief. At least that's what the counselor told me that I visited today. (She actually didn't put it like that. She was very nice, understanding and helpful.) Today, I am going to discuss anger and it is a directed rant towards the hospital we delivered in and our pediatrician. Over these past two months, we have obviously been in contact with a lot of different people, many of them being medical professionals. They have all stated the same thing - this shouldn't have happened. Naya should have never been released from the hospital in the first place without pooping. The pediatrician should have never given them the green light to release her. She displayed all the signs of sepsis the first day she was born. They should have caught it. This should have been prevented.
I know being angry at the situation does not bring Naya back. I know that the what ifs are normal and a terrible part of the grieving process. But that doesn't mean that I can prevent them from happening. Someone should have done their damn job instead of dismissing her (and me) for being lazy. Someone should have listened to us. Should have cared. That was why I was so angry when I got the bill from the stupid peds office. BTW, they called me yesterday. I didn't answer - didn't recognize the number. I looked it up afterwards. They didn't even leave a message. Probably realized who it was and didn't know what to say. What do you say? "Sorry I fucked up and killed your kid? You still need to pay your bill." Assholes.
That's another "fun" part of this. The bills (and late notices, for that matter) are starting to roll in. We haven't gotten the big one from CHLA yet but I am sure that's going to be a doozy. $225,000 just for the hospital portion when she spent those 11 days in Santa Barbara alone. That doesn't include the doctors fees, pharmacy bills, x-rays, etc. We've been told not to think about that yet but how can we not? She spent 5 weeks at CHLA. I see a price tag in the millions in our future. So now, not only did we lose our daughter, but now we are going to lose everything. How the hell is anyone expected to pay for a bill that size? I'm sorry but I wasn't born with a trust fund. I don't play a professional sport and I sure as hell didn't win the lotto lately. So how does that work? I don't want to get political on here because that is not what this blog is about but this is what is fucked up about our health care system. The number one reason people declare bankruptcy in the United States is due to unforeseen medical bills. Guess who is probably going to be joining that statistic?! But I won't worry about that right now. Just let those bills and late notices pile up on our kitchen counter while I pick out cremation containers and burial plots. Awesome.
I apologize for the rant and hope I didn't offend anyone. Just needed an outlet for my anger. Thanks for letting me rant.