Friday, July 12, 2013

Life has a way of kicking your ass when you are down

The last few weeks have been very, very tough on us. Dan was laid off from his job with no warning two weeks and we've been pretty much spinning in a spiral since then. It's left us hurt, shocked and frankly, quite scared as to what is going to happen to us. Unemployment is pure shit and we are terrified we aren't going to be able to pay our bills soon. You think that I would have learned two years ago that life could flip you upside down in a split second but apparently that lesson had to be repeated.

Right now, we aren't sure of our next move. We live in a very small area that doesn't have a lot of options for employment, especially in the salary and skill range that Dan is in. He has been pursuing all the opportunities in the area but I don't think any of them are going to work out. We are now looking at moving and it breaks my heart.

I have lived in this area for almost 15 years (give or take). I have family here, wonderful friends, amazing co-workers and a fantastic community. My home, my work, the places I volunteer are here. It's where Ty has grown up, the place where he has gone to school for 7 years and is the only place he knows.

It's also the place where my daughter was born. It's the place where she is buried. It's the place where I have been able to heal because of the excellent support system I've had in place. Leaving here, we are forced to leave her behind and that breaks my heart into more pieces than it was before. I already can't see her anymore. Now I am not going to be able visit her.

I honestly don't know what to think or do anymore. I have definitely been thrown into a depression and my PTSD has come into play. Plus, Naya's birthday is in 12 days and I have done absolutely NOTHING. I feel so guilty but I don't have the energy. I barely have the energy to get out of bed. I am flailing. I am just so fucking tired and nothing seems to be getting better. I am not sure how much more I can take.