Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Birthday

*Warning - this post contains quite a few expletives. Proceed with caution.

So today is my birthday. We kept it pretty mellow - went to the gym, worked for a bit, took Ty to lunch, relaxed and basically just took it easy. Dan got me a beautiful hummingbir​d tile to build unto our back splash in the kitchen. He is so incredible thoughtful. Love that guy. He also gave me a baseball bat and an old printer and let me go to town. All three of us enjoyed that gift.

We went to dinner with my dad and all was good until a group came in with what looked like a five month old baby girl and sat right next to us. Needless to say, dinner was over.

That is the shit I just can't handle and it really sucks.

Some days I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs that I can't fucking handle this anymore. I don't want her to be dead. I want her to be here. Why did my baby have to die and everyone else's is fine? Why the fuck did this have to happen to me? I just miss her so fucking much. I feel so broken. I don't know when or how of if this will ever get better? I can't help but think what the fuck did I do to deserve this? I can't handle it. I may act so strong but how long can I keep it up? After all, this is only an act and inside, I am flailing. I hate what my life has become. I hate not being able to be around babies or even meet my niece because it feels like I'm getting stabbed in my heart when I even think about her, let alone see a picture. I hate that I can't make it through a simple dinner without crying. I hate all of this and I desperately miss my old life. I miss my innocence and naivete. I miss life. I miss her.

10 comments:

  1. I've always been afraid to post on here, because I know that there is no reason I have my daughter, and you don't have yours. And I know if I were you, I'd fucking hate me too. Don't feel bad about that. Any mother can understand that. You'll overcome it whenever you're ready.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, Tiffany. Don't be afraid to post - I don't bite :) And I don't hate other people that have their babies, I just hate the situation and that I can't do anything to change it. It's just one of those life isn't fair things that sucks. I hope that it changes soon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry to hear that. Wish I could make it better for you. Love you

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hope this doesn't come across as inappropriate (especially since I don't know you - I'm from the birth board), but I'm hoping it will be helpful. Several years ago, my sister went through something not totally dissimilar. In short, her 5-month old son was diagnosed with a fast-growing, inoperable brain tumor and they went through about 2 months of living hell before he died. Anyway, my point is, my sister was diagnosed with and treated for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Because she wasn't just dealing with the loss of her son, but also the 60 (or so) days of hell before his death. I'm not suggesting that you need to be treated by a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I'm just wondering if it helps to view what you're dealing with through that lens - the psychological toll of not just your daughter's death but also the psychological toll of everything before that. Again, please know my intention of saying this is to possibly be helpful and I hope it didn't come across otherwise. -Gina

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jamie. I can't imagine living in such torturous state. But know that you don't have to be strong, you don't have to be anything. You're going to keep ebbing and flowing. Don't apologize for swearing, for crying, for anything. Just be. One day at a time, one hour, one minute, it WILL get better. For now just be.

    You're in many thoughts and prayers. May the New Year bring you a tiny bit of peace.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Is it just me or do more people who don't understand what you're feeling than those that do (like me) comment here? I'm sorry but i have a hard time accepting advice from those that are not in our "club". I have lots of friends that check in with me regularly and I have told them that the best thing they can do is just tell me that they are thinking of us and that they care. No other words mean much when you can't appreciate the degree of suffering that we are going through. I am not trying to discourage comments but I am saying that the best comment I see above is from Lindsay.
    Jamie, I know how you feel. I have a friend that has a baby 1 month older than mine. She has a clue what I am going through, she had several miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. Yet she sent me her holiday card with a big picture of her baby on it? Again, I appreciate you thinking of us but, REALLY? I went to a friends house and her granddaughter is 4 days younger than my son. I watched her for a while and all I could think of was how my son will never do any of the things she is doing like grabbing her feet, pulling off her socks and trying to sit up. Babies are everywhere except mine who should be with me! I miss Evan just as much as you miss Naya. I wish I had some sage advice for both of us but I don't except screaming in public is not socially acceptable, do it in private! I will, too.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You don't know me im from the birth board and will come check in from time to time just to see how you are and your family. I think of y'all often and my heart breaks for you everytime I read your blog. All I have to offer is you and your family have touched my heart, y'all are in my thoughts and I pray with time your heart is less heavy. You are by far the strongest woman I "know " even though you don't think you are.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jamie,
    I am in the same awful "club" as you. I lost my son 5 years ago. He lived for seven days at Children's hospital, had three surgeries to try to fix his heart and passed away a few hours after his last surgery. It was the worst thing I've ever gone through. I'd give anything to have him back. He was my first baby and my arms felt so empty. After my son passed away it took me a year and a half to get pregnant again only to miscarry the baby at 10 weeks. Then it took me another year to get pregnant again. Now I have two healthy happy girls. My son changed my life for the better from the day I found out he was going to be born with a heart defect. I made the decision to find the positive in every situation that I was going to have to encounter. Before I found out about my son's health challenges I always found something to complain about. I think I was a rather negative person. But when I was faced with the horrible decisions such as telling the doctors to stop doing CPR on my baby after 45 minutes and just let him rest, I decided I couldn't let this wreck my life. I was chosen to be his Mommy and I will always have that title. I couldn't let his life be in vein. He changed me and I will always be thankful for the 7 days I had with him. After he passed it was hard for me to look at pregnant women or see young babies too. I wanted to hate them for having their babies but I couldn't let that negativity take over my emotions. It's not their fault. To this day, whenever I see boys about his age (which includes one of my nephews and my good friend's child) I think of my son. I like to see them because it helps me understand what my son would be doing right now. Something that helped me a lot was joining a support group. I met with 3 other couples who knew what I was going through. We cried, laughed and remembered together. We still meet regularly and they are like my family. I love them. It might help you to find a support group in your area too. I don't mean for this comment to come off as preachy or rude, but I think you need some help to get healthy again. You can't continue living like this and I think even you know this.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don’t have the answers, but I'm glad you got to hit something. I have always wanted to go into a glass shop and just start throwing things around, I guess you could say its how I feel my heart is, all in pieces. I firmly believe that losing a child changes the core of who you are, I know that after I buried my 4th child, Deke, that the core of who I am/was broke, I have never been the same and never will be. I have a hard time saying "I'm sorry", really there are no words to say to anyone that has lost their baby/child. No parent should ever outlive their child. All I can do is send you many ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nelopee (from BBC)January 3, 2012 at 3:10 PM

    Jaime, I check your blog fairly often and never know what to say. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you live constantly. I will continue to keep your family in my thoughts and send wishes for peace and healing. Ty is beautiful by the way. Keep going mama...

    ReplyDelete