*Warning - this post contains quite a few expletives. Proceed with caution.
So today is my birthday. We kept it pretty mellow - went to the gym, worked for a bit, took Ty to lunch, relaxed and basically just took it easy. Dan got me a beautiful hummingbird tile to build unto our back splash in the kitchen. He is so incredible thoughtful. Love that guy. He also gave me a baseball bat and an old printer and let me go to town. All three of us enjoyed that gift.
That is the shit I just can't handle and it really sucks.
Some days I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs that I can't fucking handle this anymore. I don't want her to be dead. I want her to be here. Why did my baby have to die and everyone else's is fine? Why the fuck did this have to happen to me? I just miss her so fucking much. I feel so broken. I don't know when or how of if this will ever get better? I can't help but think what the fuck did I do to deserve this? I can't handle it. I may act so strong but how long can I keep it up? After all, this is only an act and inside, I am flailing. I hate what my life has become. I hate not being able to be around babies or even meet my niece because it feels like I'm getting stabbed in my heart when I even think about her, let alone see a picture. I hate that I can't make it through a simple dinner without crying. I hate all of this and I desperately miss my old life. I miss my innocence and naivete. I miss life. I miss her.