I am bored. I never thought that 4 1/2 months after having a baby I would be complaining about boredom. I thought that I would be running around, changing diapers, getting up for feedings and trying to find enough hours in the day to cook and clean the house. But here I am, bored and babyless.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I've always been a big reader (I was an English major in college) but after I graduated, I gave up on literature for awhile and read mainly non-fiction and chick lit. (I can't believe I just admitted that last bit in a public forum.) I've found myself with a lot of time on my hands and I've already gone through the aimless laying on my bed part of my mourning process (which was spent watching both The Office and How I Met Your Mother) and now I need something else to do. So I am reading fiction again and not of the Shopoholic variety.
Right now, I am reading a book called The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb. I've read some of his books before and I've liked his style although I forgot how depressing his writing can be. This book is about a man whose wife was in the library of Columbine during the shootings and the aftermath this left on their lives. Yes, entirely depressing but it fits my mood.
When I read, I tend to focus on parts of the story that hold poignant to me and my own life. Obviously, my perspective has changed a lot in the past 6 months. During what part of the story, the main character is teaching a class called The Quest in Literature and he asks his students to write an essay in which they compare themselves to a mythological character. He does the assignment himself and compares his struggle to Sisyphus, the king who is forced to push a boulder up a hill only to have it roll back down on him for all of eternity. This really stood out to me. I think the struggle of Sisyphus is a perfect metaphor for the grief one experiences when you have lost a child. Every day is spent struggling to push the thoughts of your child out of your head in order to get through the day and make it up that hill. Some days, you barely go a few feet before everything comes crashing down again. Some days, you make it a good halfway up and feel like you are really progressing and you just might make it a little bit further tomorrow. And some days, you get that boulder pretty damn close to the summit but something gets in the way that causes that damn rock to come rolling back down again. Unfortunately, I think that parents who have lost a child suffer a similar fate as Sisyphus because we are never going to be able to get rid of that boulder.
Anyway, I am almost done with the book and looking for other good reads. Any suggestions?