We did it

I knew Christmas was going to be hard. Many, many people warned me how hard it was going to be and I listened and took advice to heart but nothing I did could have prepared myself for how hard it actually was. And not just the day of - the whole month leading up to it just plain sucked. I was NOT prepared for that part.

I have always loved Christmas. I loved finding the perfect things to give people (from my point of view at least) and watching them open it. Doesn't hurt that I have always loved shopping. Saying things have changed is an understatement. Ever since Naya died, going into a store has been pretty torturous. I know it seems strange but it's really an emotional battle. There are so many innocuous things that manage to stab me in the heart whether it's the diaper aisle at the grocery store or a mother pushing a baby in her cart. Shopping during Christmas time combines these things with the pain of seeing so many happy people shopping for their loved ones and buying presents for their kids. Shit that I would be doing if things hadn't gone so terribly wrong. I broke down numerous times in various stores throughout this past month. Everything just reminded me that my daughter is dead and I will never get to spend a Christmas with her. Enough so, that I did most of my Christmas shopping this year from the relative safety of my computer. Thank you for existing Etsy and Amazon. 

So with all the build up, I knew that the past two days were going to be hell. And they didn't disappoint. On Christmas Eve, I tried to have everything remain as normal as possible for Ty's sake and ignoring the fact that Naya would have been five months old on Christmas Eve. I sucked it up, we baked cookies, wrapped presents, had a nice dinner and I regulated all of my crying to the privacy of my shower. We woke up on Christmas morning, drank our tea and unwrapped presents, all while trying to ignore the gaping hole that is now a significant part of our lives. Ty had a wonderful Christmas, despite the fact that he decided to stop believing in Santa this year. He was very happy to get his Nintendo 3DS back after a month long sabbatical. 

After opening our gifts at home, we took showers and ventured to my dad's for brunch. Again, emotionally brutal. Don't get me wrong, it was lovely over there and no one did anything to make us feel bad. It was just so hard that she wasn't there with us except for the tiny bit of her ashes that were in the necklace I wore. Plus, Christmas was the time we announced to everyone that we were pregnant last year. Those happy memories only compounded our pain. We took a few breaks and went to the park by my dad's house to cry a few times. On the way back to our house, we stopped at the cemetery and wished her a Merry Christmas. We dropped Ty off at his dad's house and went home, packed our bags and drove down to the Indian Casino. Spent the rest of the day trying to forget that it was Christmas. I can't wait until the rest of this week is over - only a few more days (including my birthday tomorrow) and this shitty year will be over.

Ring Dan gave me for Christmas