Monday, December 19, 2011

Is my brain broken?

One thing I've noticed about this whole grief thing is that my brain doesn't work the same as it did before. I am constantly forgetting things and my ability to focus has greatly diminished. Before, I was your typical overachiever. I loved being busy. My life was scheduled out and I was constantly going and handling the stress that comes with a busy life quite remarkably. I could work 40+ hours a week, get my son to his various activities, cook, clean, and basically "do it all" while brushing off the stress pretty easily. Yeah. Not so much anymore.

Now, going to work and handling that stress is about as much as I can handle. I come home and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to clean. I don't want to cook. I don't want to do anything but lie on my bed because I am exhausted. And it's depressing me because I feel like I am neglecting my family because I am just too tired to deal with it.

Luckily, Dan has been amazing at handling some of the stress - the helping Ty with homework kind being one of them. I am getting a little better but it's amazing how much energy and patience it takes to help with 5th grade homework. I don't know what I would do without him.

My ability to focus has also taken a huge hit. Before, I could do a multitude of things at the same time easily. Now, I find that I can't do simple things at the same time. I need to concentrate on focusing on one thing at a time or it all goes to hell. If someone is talking to me, I have to intensely listen to everything that they are saying or it goes right over my head. My grief has made me have the listening skills of a man. (No offense to anyone out there but you know it's true. That used to be one of my favorite things to do to Dan - talk to him while he was playing video games and watch him be completely oblivious to what I was saying. Now the tables have turned and that's me!)

I'm hoping that this is not a permanent effect. I can't handle that.


  1. You just need time to heal...keep you head up, it does get easier.

  2. I'm sorry this is so off topic, but I keep meaning to ask if you've read Geek Love. My hubby's favorite book of all time.

  3. I agree with what Anonymous posted, and I'm sorry you're still struggling.

    On a side note, I have a friend who lost her premature twins in 2009. She posted this as her status this morning. I copied and posted it as my status and included Naya also. Just wanted to share in case you wanted to post it also. And I apologize if I'm overstepping.

    In honor of all the baby angels that didn't make it. I'm asking if anyone could put this as their status for 1 hour please? I'm pretty sure I know the ones that will. Think of someone you know or love who has lost a baby or child. My wish is that in the last few days of 2011, we will take a few minutes to think about these beautiful and special baby angels. Will you post this as your status for 1 hour to honor them...For you Jack, Abby, Naya and a few nameless little ones we never had a chance to know.

  4. Hi Jamie,

    I'm totally with you on the brain thing. Not that I was supermom, far from it. But, I had focus and a good ability to multitask...not anymore. I find myself multiple times a day walking into a room and wondering why I went in there. I feel foggy, like I can't think right. I had no idea how seriously this loss would affect me. I have yet to return to work. Thankfully, I have a very understanding and supportive boss. I'm sure it is going to be difficult. I, too, hope that my focus will return, or will I be forever "brain damaged"?

    Evan&Ellas Mom

  5. Thank you all. I know I am still healing but damn! It's so frustrating!

    Misha - I have actually read Geek Love but it was awhile back. I might have to resurrect that bad boy.

    Jamie - totally not overstepping. That made me tear up (I was at the gym when I read it too so it was a bit embarassing but I can handle it)

    Heather - it took me awhile to return back to work. What worked for me was a gradual approach. Luckily I have an amazing boss too :)