Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I feel like my life is a big waiting game now. Actually, this whole god damn year has been a waiting game. First we patiently awaited the birth of our daughter. We waited for her to try to get better in the hospital. We waited for the damn autopsy report after she died (more on this in a second). Now we are just waiting for the stupid holidays to be over because maybe that will help lift some of the fog that we are in.

We did finally get the autopsy report about a week and a half ago. I can't really go into much detail but it wasn't very surprising. She didn't have any genetic disorders and her lungs were the biggest problem. I guess it was good to find out that there was nothing genetic to prevent us from trying again. And now, that leads to another waiting game. Actively trying to have another baby.

I said in an earlier blog entry that I had a pre-conception visit with my OB a while back and she gave us the go ahead to try again. We waited (look - there's that theme again) for a month because we didn't want to be on the same "timeline" as we were last year with Naya. That would have been entirely too painful.

And now game on. We are actively trying to conceive. I never realized it before but trying to conceive is a huge waiting game. Especially when your body's natural cycle is all thrown off due to the fact that I gave birth five months ago and grief does a real number on one's hormones. So now we are waiting again. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to be able to test. Just a whole bunch of stupid waiting. Being an incredibly impatient person in general makes this waiting fucking torture. We were able to conceive with Naya the first month around but I have a feeling this is not going to be so easy. The ironic thing is that after we do conceive, you know what's going to happen? That's right! More waiting! And a terrified panicky waiting at that.

Wish us luck - we are going to need it.


  1. I hope things work out the way they are intended to (I know that may sound a little weird). You'll get pregnant when the time is right. You'll always have Naya with you. But a new little person will give you someone to physically share your love with. I'm excited for you in this new journey.

  2. It took us awhile to get pregnant with our first child (with a miscarriage thrown in there)...waiting and then crying every time the stupid stick read "not pregnant." I have mild OCD so talking to a psychiatrist (who was also a former ob-gyn) helped me from having some sort of mental meltdown. It's a horribly emotional experience even without what you have been through, so I hope and pray that things move quickly for you guys.

  3. Sending you lots sticky dust, thoughts and prayer. I remember after my second miscarriage, I just kinda gave up on trying and ended up pregnant with my rainbow baby. I hope everything just lines up as it needs to be and you wont have to wait too long.

  4. Hi Jamie, I'm right there with you in this horrible waiting game. My situation is different from yours, but after 2 miscarriages in a row and loads of infertility issues, we too are back in the game again and the waiting is pure torture. I feel like the last 2 years of my life was one big waiting game (like you said)... waiting to get pregnant (took a year the first time), waiting to pass the first trimester, then losing the baby and waiting for my body to get over the miscarriage, waiting again with the 2nd pregnancy, then waiting 3 damn months to stop bleeding from the 2nd miscarriage... waiting to try again, waiting to test, starting all over... I hate it and I hate for any woman to go through it, especially one with a wound as raw as yours. I'm so sorry you are where you are right now. It's not just the waiting that is hard, but the fact that you shouldn't even HAVE to be thinking about any of this. You should have Naya in your arms, and trying to get pregnant again should be lightyears away from your thoughts b/c you already HAD your baby. It's not fair. I read this blog every day b/c my heart is just broken into pieces for you. I'm so incredibly sorry. Losing my babies while they were still in utero was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me, and yet I know my pain pales in comparison to what you are going through. I applaud your bravery in being willing to try again because it's so incredibly hard. You are an amazing woman and I am so glad I have found your blog. I have you in my thoughts and wish you nothing but the best on this emotional road ahead.
    Take care,

  5. For those of you like me, I am older, turned 40 this year, with major fertility issues. Took 3 years I think to get Pregnant with my daughter. I have endometriosis and my body is shot. Yet, I want to carry another baby. My OB advised againsits third pregnancy at the time of the birth of my son. The fact is that I don't care if my doctor says not to do it. There are certainly risks but I am willing to take them. Even if that means catastrophic consequences are likely. I feel like life has been cruel enough to us, for a variety of reasons including the loss of Evan, that we have to catch a break with this one. I have always been one to feel like "that will never happen to me"...and here I sit, it did happen. What am I to do, just give up because it's not a good idea? I don't think I can do that yet I don't know that I am strong enough, let alone my husband, to deal with the consequences if it doesn't turn out well. I'm like a dog with a bone, watch out for your fingers because you might get bitten, even when I may be choking on it.

  6. Good luck and sending lots of sticky glue your way. Things will happen in time, and Naya will always be your angel, and I believe that she will watch over you and your new LO when he/she is conceived.

  7. Jamie, I hope that with time you and Dan find a place of happiness and peace, and a reason to genuinely smile again. Its not fair, and it doesn't make sense, that any couple should go through what you've gone through. Naya was lucky to be born to parents that loved her so much - and your words will keep her memory around. There's not a day since I've found your blog (through BC) that I don't think about her and your family. I am humbled by your strength. Naya is beautiful; thank you for sharing her memory with us.

    Crossing my fingers and saying many prayers that you quickly conceive again.

    Melissa in Atlanta

  8. Yay! I am so happy! Hope it happens soon for you! :D