This is kind of a continuation of my post yesterday (at least the end of it). I couldn't stop thinking about the whole sibling thing that I wrote about last night. It made me quite emotional and I spent some time over the last day trying to sort out my feelings. I came to the conclusion that I am not only upsets that my future children will never get to meet Naya (and vice versa) but that she will also never be real to them.
Its not like Dan and I are not going to tell our rainbows about Naya. There is no way in hell that we are ever not going to have her as part of our lives. We are always going to do our best to make sure that no one ever forgets about her (most likely to the point where people get sick of us). She is our child and will be forever. My problem is that to our future children, she will never be a real, live person. She will always only be a story to them represented by a group of pictures that they will see over and over again because that is all we have.
I am scared they will view her as we all do of family members who passed before we were born. We might feel some reverence toward them because they are family but we are not capable of missing them. How can you miss someone that you never met and was gone before you existed? It makes me so sad that she will never be real to my future my children.
I also have mixed feelings about the fact that that our kids will never really know the pain that our family went through and will always hold because of losing Naya. In one aspect, they are lucky. They have avoided some of the most intense pain that a human can experience. On the other hand, it worries me that because they don't know what it feels like so does that mean that they aren't going to relate to us? Are they going to resent us for missing a sibling that they have never known? I know I have lots of time before I really have to focus on things like this but I can't help it. That's how my brain works.