Monday, May 7, 2012

Deja Vu

When we were trying to get pregnant again with this rainbow, we knew to take all of the physical elements that would go into this pregnancy into consideration. Because I had just had a full term pregnancy, we knew that there were some additional risks. After all, my body was still recovering from giving birth to Naya in July. It was tired - being pregnant is a lot of work! Plus, having only 5 months in between pregnancies, I wasn't able to get down to my normal weight, so I knew I was going to be dealing with the consequences of that as well. I honestly didn't think we would get pregnant so quickly (it happened our first month of trying) so I thought I had a little more time to rest my body. Because of all this, I am actually quite surprised as to how easy this pregnancy has been on me physically. Most of the time, I forget I'm even pregnant until I look down at my stomach or feel this little nugget kicking away. I've been joking that this baby is taking it easy on me because it knows how hard this is on me emotionally.

Yeah. Emotionally. This is a LOT tougher than I thought it was going to be. I know I am still grieving and combining grief with hormones is a toxic combinations but damn, I didn't think it was going to be this bad. I have been having some very, very hard days. I mean the kind of days where I'm so down, I can't function. The kind of days where I just have to lie in bed and sob. The kind of days where I start crying uncontrollably and unpredictably and don't belong out in public because I might terrify people. This past week, one of those days appeared after our full anatomy scan and it was brutal.

Don't worry, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the baby. Having ultrasounds just brings along this wild sense of deja vu. We just did this all a year ago and look how that turned out. It's hard to be excited when we hear that everything is good because we heard that all before and she still died.

I think seeing this little person also brings to light what we don't have and makes us miss Naya more. It makes us feel guilty to be excited about a new baby when are still deeply mourning Naya. I want all of my babies here - this one, Ty and Naya. I want them to be able to know their siblings and that is something I will never, ever be able to provide. She will always be gone. It's so conflicting and it sucks. It's really strange too. We can completely see the similarities and differences between nugget and Naya already. It hurts. I wasn't expecting this.

Nugget - 21 Weeks

Naya - 20 Weeks


  1. Pregnancy after a loss is absolutely terrifying. I wasn't prepared for the conflicting emotions of being *so* excited to be pregnant and the possibility of actually parenting a living baby, but also so sad that my son didn't get a chance to live... He didn't get a chance to do anything, and I hate that I feel torn about he versus she.

    That being said, there is some comfort which comes with having babies who look so similar, it's painful, but it's a wonderful thing, too. :)

  2. Is this nugget a boy or a girl, and do you have names thought out yet? :)

  3. I have followed your story from the very beginning, having a July 2011 baby myself, I have never commented on the birth board or here. But I must comment that this picture of Naya at 20 weeks she looks like an angel being held by gods hands. I am not a very religious person and you may be having a hard time believing in a higher power, but it compelled me enough to comment. She is an angel.