Tuesday, May 29, 2012
This weekend was a perfect definition of my life - all over the place emotionally. Let me preface with saying that both Dan and Ty were gone this weekend and I was on my own for longer than I have been since Naya died. I used to love my alone weekends in my former life. I could sit around, watch bad girlie movies, clean and do whatever I wanted with out worrying about anyone else. It used to be awesome. Not so much anymore. I was able to do all of those things but what unfortunately comes with this freedom is plenty of opportunities to sit and think. And my thoughts aren't pretty anymore. They are morbid and depressing. Dan left Saturday morning and, luckily, I had a spa day already planned with a friend. It was much needed and I believe we may be going back soon - it was a good time. I was exhausted when I got home (still battling the bronchitis and sinus infection), so I took some tylenol PM and went to bed. Sunday was a different story. I didn't have plans until later on in the day, so I spent my morning cleaning. And thinking. And crying. For some reason, I fixated on her hands. They were so beautiful. She was born with the most beautiful set of nails. Even while she was in the hospital and dying, they stayed beautiful. Everyone complimented them. I realized that I never took a picture of them. And now I can't. They are gone. Forever. I will never have the opportunity to go back and see or touch those hands again. They are gone forever and I didn't take a fucking picture. I could punch myself for not doing that. I know it may sound morbid but when this baby is born, I'm going to take pictures of all it's little parts, take video of it crying, etc., just in case. I regret so much not doing that with her. I thought I had plenty of time to do so - the rest of our lives - and I don't. She's gone and I will never see those beautiful little hands again. I wonder how long it's going to take before I can't picture them in my mind. I dread that day and I am not taking any chances with documenting this one. Life is so fleeting and you just never know.