Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Mother's Day

Yeah! My busy work season is over. We've been celebrating our 10th Anniversary at work and had public events held everyday for the last two weeks that culminated on Sunday with a black tie benefit. It was fun but my almost 6 months pregnant ass is exhausted. Mothers Day was my first day off for weeks, so I spent the day catching up on all of the chores I have been neglecting for the past month. Mothers Day went better than I thought. I was NOT looking forward to it. Yes, I'm a mother and I appreciate my mother but let's face it, the day really sucks for those grieving - especially for those of us who have lost mothers or our children. Mothers Day is a time to celebrate our mothers and/or spend time with our children. When your child has died, it's another day when it's glaringly obvious that a huge piece of your life is missing. Just another painful reminder that "normal" people don't even think about. It wasn't a "happy" day for me. I didn't get to hold all of my children tight. I got to visit a cemetery where my dead child is under some dirt. That is my reality. And it sucks. There was a bright spot that occured over the weekend. One of my closet friends gave birth to her rainbow over the weekend. (she lost her daughter after a long NICU battle last year).  I was able to go visit her and I actually held her new, beautiful daughter.  I was in tears then and am now just thinking about it. I'm not going to lie, it was difficult. This is the first baby I've been around and it hurts. I can't really describe it to people who haven't lost a child but it's a physically pain that we experience. A heaviness in our arms and our chests that won't let it up. It feels like we are struggling for breathe, like a heavy weight is constantly pushing down on our chests.   Holding this baby just made me ache for my own - both Naya and the nugget. These next 15 weeks are going to just drag by.

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