Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Should

Today should have been joyous. Today, we should have been celebrating the fact that she was here and 3/4 of the way to her first birthday. We should be watching her crawl along and pull herself up and toddle around the furniture. She should be sitting in her high chair and exploring the tastes of different solid foods. She should be laughing. She should be babbling. She should be here. She should be 9 months old today and we should be celebrating. I shouldn't be visiting her grave and giving her flowers. I should be holding her in my arms and giving her a hug. She shouldn't be buried in the ground away from her family. She shouldn't be dead.

Instead, I spent the day crying. I do this every 14 & 24 of the month. I wonder if it's going to be like that forever - I am always going to hate those two days and be completely useless? Am I ever going to look back on her birth and smile instead of cry? I am ever going to stop feeling so broken? Is this pain ever going to stop?

I know the answers to these questions - it will never fully go away but will dull in time. I have mixed feelings about that - sometimes I just want all of this pain to go away because it is so unbearable. I want to be able to get up in the morning without this gigantic weight pulling me down. But at the same time, I don't want to heal. I don't want the pain to go away because then it's like she never existed. And she did. She was my daughter and I will never stop wanting her back. I will never stop aching for her. I miss her so much and I just want her back. But that will never happen and everyday that goes by is just a reminder of that.

Happy 9 months baby girl. I love you. I miss you so much.

8 comments:

  1. I remember her every 14th and 24th too. We stop and think of your sweet angel often. Hugs to you Jamie

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  2. Jaime,
    How can we fully comprehend that somebody so wonderful as each of our children was taken? The flowers I cut are so small a thing compared to what I want to and should be able to do for my son. Coffins as small as the ones we remember should not exist.

    I think of you- will keep you in our prayers today.

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    1. I know that feeling Katie. Everytime I bring her flowers, I think about all of the things I should be getting her. It sucks.

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  3. Hi Jamie, I don't think I've posted on your blog yet, but i found you via the babycenter sids/infant loss board (I'm OaklandMTB). i wish naya were here with you. i wish my naima were here in my arms too. my daughter's 13 month birthday was yesterday. sending you a hug and hoping your little girl's soul smiles down on you and sends you a comforting sign in some way today.

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    1. Oh Rona - I am so glad you commented! I think about you and Naima often. I know it's last minute but I would love to invite you to walk with us on Saturday for the March for Babies walk in San Ramon. No pressure but you are more than welcome. I would love to give you a big hug sweetie.

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  4. Hi Jamie thanks for the invite but I'm actually away this weekend. I hope we get to connect in person someday soon! And I hope the walk was inspiring and healing. Be well.

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  5. Hi Jamie thanks for the invite but I'm actually away this weekend. I hope we get to connect in person someday soon! And I hope the walk was inspiring and healing. Be well.

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