Should

Today should have been joyous. Today, we should have been celebrating the fact that she was here and 3/4 of the way to her first birthday. We should be watching her crawl along and pull herself up and toddle around the furniture. She should be sitting in her high chair and exploring the tastes of different solid foods. She should be laughing. She should be babbling. She should be here. She should be 9 months old today and we should be celebrating. I shouldn't be visiting her grave and giving her flowers. I should be holding her in my arms and giving her a hug. She shouldn't be buried in the ground away from her family. She shouldn't be dead.

Instead, I spent the day crying. I do this every 14 & 24 of the month. I wonder if it's going to be like that forever - I am always going to hate those two days and be completely useless? Am I ever going to look back on her birth and smile instead of cry? I am ever going to stop feeling so broken? Is this pain ever going to stop?

I know the answers to these questions - it will never fully go away but will dull in time. I have mixed feelings about that - sometimes I just want all of this pain to go away because it is so unbearable. I want to be able to get up in the morning without this gigantic weight pulling me down. But at the same time, I don't want to heal. I don't want the pain to go away because then it's like she never existed. And she did. She was my daughter and I will never stop wanting her back. I will never stop aching for her. I miss her so much and I just want her back. But that will never happen and everyday that goes by is just a reminder of that.

Happy 9 months baby girl. I love you. I miss you so much.