Instead, I spent the day crying. I do this every 14 & 24 of the month. I wonder if it's going to be like that forever - I am always going to hate those two days and be completely useless? Am I ever going to look back on her birth and smile instead of cry? I am ever going to stop feeling so broken? Is this pain ever going to stop?
I know the answers to these questions - it will never fully go away but will dull in time. I have mixed feelings about that - sometimes I just want all of this pain to go away because it is so unbearable. I want to be able to get up in the morning without this gigantic weight pulling me down. But at the same time, I don't want to heal. I don't want the pain to go away because then it's like she never existed. And she did. She was my daughter and I will never stop wanting her back. I will never stop aching for her. I miss her so much and I just want her back. But that will never happen and everyday that goes by is just a reminder of that.
Happy 9 months baby girl. I love you. I miss you so much.