A Rainbow

Okay. It's time. (I say this with tremendous trepidation because I don't know if I am ready for this but I quite honestly don't know if I will ever be ready for this.) Here goes.

I've been holding something back for awhile from everyone. I have had my reasons (which I will probably go into in subsequent posts) but I want to keep this one upbeat and happy. I am 17weeks pregnant right now with our rainbow.

I know I have a lot of baby loss mommas that follow me but for those of you that aren't familiar, here is my favorite definition of a rainbow baby:

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. A "Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I think this definition perfectly defines what we are feeling right now. At this point, we are very, very cautiously excited. So far, everything looks great. I've already had 3 or 4 ultrasounds, mucho lab work done and I see my OB about once every two weeks and so far, so good, with the baby. We are very excited to have the thorough anatomy scan by our perinatologist at the end of April.

My health is good (so far) - only a slightly elevated blood pressure and I think that is due to being nervous when I go to the doctor's office. I am taking it easier, resting a lot (when I can - I'm still an insomniac) and pretty much avoiding anything that can be construed as even questionably dangerous to a growing fetus. Even though I know that nothing I did caused what happened with Naya, I am still not willing to take ANY chances. No diet sodas, no sneaking lunch meat, no medication, nothing. I am drinking tons of water (and seriously peeing like I'm 8 months pregnant instead of 4), eating well and exercising (I still go to the gym everyday - only very moderate exercise while there).

How I am doing emotionally is a different story but I won't go into that today. I'll only say that this has been a lot more of a roller coaster than I thought it would be. It's very difficult to be incredibly sad and incredibly happy at the same time. The emotions do not cancel each other out but exist simultaneously. I do have to say, that this baby will NEVER replace my daughter. I will always ache for her and what could have been. Our family may be growing but it will always have a big part of it that is missing. But this baby has been able to help me heal in a way that nothing else could. Like a physical rainbow, it has given me a small ray of light and a glimpse of hope among the darkness.