Saturday, March 31, 2012

A Rainbow

Okay. It's time. (I say this with tremendous trepidation because I don't know if I am ready for this but I quite honestly don't know if I will ever be ready for this.) Here goes.

I've been holding something back for awhile from everyone. I have had my reasons (which I will probably go into in subsequent posts) but I want to keep this one upbeat and happy. I am 17weeks pregnant right now with our rainbow.

I know I have a lot of baby loss mommas that follow me but for those of you that aren't familiar, here is my favorite definition of a rainbow baby:

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. A "Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I think this definition perfectly defines what we are feeling right now. At this point, we are very, very cautiously excited. So far, everything looks great. I've already had 3 or 4 ultrasounds, mucho lab work done and I see my OB about once every two weeks and so far, so good, with the baby. We are very excited to have the thorough anatomy scan by our perinatologist at the end of April.

My health is good (so far) - only a slightly elevated blood pressure and I think that is due to being nervous when I go to the doctor's office. I am taking it easier, resting a lot (when I can - I'm still an insomniac) and pretty much avoiding anything that can be construed as even questionably dangerous to a growing fetus. Even though I know that nothing I did caused what happened with Naya, I am still not willing to take ANY chances. No diet sodas, no sneaking lunch meat, no medication, nothing. I am drinking tons of water (and seriously peeing like I'm 8 months pregnant instead of 4), eating well and exercising (I still go to the gym everyday - only very moderate exercise while there).

How I am doing emotionally is a different story but I won't go into that today. I'll only say that this has been a lot more of a roller coaster than I thought it would be. It's very difficult to be incredibly sad and incredibly happy at the same time. The emotions do not cancel each other out but exist simultaneously. I do have to say, that this baby will NEVER replace my daughter. I will always ache for her and what could have been. Our family may be growing but it will always have a big part of it that is missing. But this baby has been able to help me heal in a way that nothing else could. Like a physical rainbow, it has given me a small ray of light and a glimpse of hope among the darkness.

32 comments:

  1. Carolyn MaravigliaMarch 31, 2012 at 2:57 PM

    Congratulations Jamie! We are soooo happy for you all!
    Love you guys! :)

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  2. Congratulations! Wishing you a very heathly and happy pregnancy, delivery, and everything there after!

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    1. Thank you. We are hoping for that too :)

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  3. Congratulations on being pregnant with Naya's baby brother or sister... I am 32 weeks pregnant with my rainbow myself, and these past 8 or so months have been filled with some of the highest highs and the lowest lows possible... It's hard not to be excited at the prospect of a baby, but at the same time that high is so closely linked with the fear of losing another... Of being terrified to let yourself fall so hopelessly in love once again.

    Congratulations though, here's to a little hope!

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    1. Thank you. I had no idea it would be this much of a roller coaster. Congrats on your rainbow and I wish you the best!

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  4. So happy for you...I am sorry for your struggle and hope all the best with your pregnancy.

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  5. Yay!!! So happy to finally read this.

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  6. It's so wierd because I don't know you and have never met you, but I have been following you since your first post on babycenter....through your writing it has allowed us a glimpse into your life, so in some crazy way I feel I do know you,so I say this with the most sincerest of hearts when I say congratulations to you and your family...you guys deserve nothing but smiles and happiness in the days to come..I can't wait to hear about your progression in your pregnancy and see pictures of your little one ....:)

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    1. This seriously made me cry. Thank you :)

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  7. This is really amazing. I want to echo the post above, I don't even know you but I feel so connected and inspired by you. Congratulations. I wish you all the best for the rollercoaster that's to come :)

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    1. I'm hoping it's a kiddie ride Giselle ;) Thank you.

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  8. Ditto #3! I've been following your journey since BBC July board. I am so very excited to hear this news! Congratulations to you Dan & your little man! I know Naya will watch over you & her baby brother/sister during your pregnancy

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  9. Don't know you either, but have followed your blog from the beginning through a mutual friend. Sending best wishes and prayers for a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby! Reading this post has seriously made my week. I absolutely love the rainbow analogy--what a perfect description of what you (and many others) have experienced/are experiencing right now.
    -Melissa

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    1. It's truly amazing how many baby loss mommas are out there. I'm glad I could make you smile. Thank you.

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  10. Congrats! That's great news! Here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy! We're excited to meet you in April at the March for Babies walk!

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    1. Thank you guys! I am so excited to meet the both of you in person! Can't wait for April 28!

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  11. I too don't know you, but have been following you on Baby Center and have read your blog from start to current. I have debated commenting before but honestly didn’t know what to say. You’re experiencing such a tremendous loss, there is nothing me, a complete stranger could say or do to take any of your pain away. After reading all your blog posts and updates I too, feel like I know you guys. (Weird, I know). I myself have not lost a child, however my God Daughter, (She’s my cousin but we agreed she would call me auntie because of how close we are) died at 4 months from SIDS and two months later my nephew was stillborn at 39 weeks. It was unreal. These babies were supposed to grow up together, go to school together, be best friends.. Now they are in heaven together. It has been very hard and even harder to know how to help their families get through this. I have been looking for ways to help be there for my family while everyone is going through this hard time. I do have a little one of my own (That is how I know you from Baby Center) and honestly could not imagine the unbelievable amount of pain you and your husband are feeling and going through. No one should know what it feels like to lose a child. No one should have to experience that. Just by reading your blog and some issues you have addressed, I have learned how to be there better for my family. In some ways I just feel connected to you and your story, I enjoy reading your posts and seeing how far you guys have come and it has helped me understand better the process my aunt and uncle and sister and brother in law are going through right now. Naya's story really touched me; she was such a sweet, beautiful, innocent little girl. I am so happy to hear about your news, you guys deserve nothing but good things and to be as happy as you possibly can be right now. I know Naya is watching down over you, doing everything in her power to keep her mommy safe and healthy throughout her pregnancy. Since reading your story there has not been a day that goes by that I don't say a prayer for your family and think of Naya's story, it truly touched my heart. I will continue to pray for you and a healthy pregnancy and a good everything after that =) Congrats.

    Kate

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    1. Holding back the tears right now. Thank you for all of your support and your incredibly kind words. I am so sorry for your families losses. I wish that no one else had to go through this but I am glad that my words can help someone. Thank you for sharing that and for the congrats.

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  12. Congratulations! I am 20 weeks with my 5th rainbow pregnancy (the baby inside me is my only living child right now), so I know hwo you feel. I like how you describe the emotions: the longing for the lost baby, the fear and the excitement co-existing. It's a perfect description.

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    1. Thank you Dana and congrats to you as well. I pray that these rainbows will be around for longer than we are.

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  13. Congratulations!!! I have been following your blog from the Baby Center July board. I wish you health and happiness in your pregnancy. I know that Naya is in heaven super excited to be sending you her brother or sister. God bless you and your family!

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    1. Thank you Stephanie. I hope she would be happy about this pregancy.

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  14. Jamie and Dan, I am over-the-moon happy for you. This baby is a rainbow, indeed, and I'm so ecstatic for you! There's not a week that goes by that I don't think of you, and send love and light virtually your way. This is going to be one very lucky baby. Congrats and hugs to you all :) Keeping you both, Ty, Naya and the nugget in my thoughts and prayers.

    Much Love,
    Melissa

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    1. Thank you Melissa. This nugget is definitely going to be one loved kid.

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  15. I was so happy to read this.....hugs to you all from NY xoxoxoxo

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  16. Jamie, I have followed your blog since I read about Naya on the July 2011 board. Nothing will ever replace your beautiful girl, but I am SO happy that you are awaiting this rainbow after the storm! I wish you all the best!

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    1. Thanks Jenn. We feel very lucky to have this one on its way :)

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