Thursday, March 8, 2012


I have had a bit of a setback this week. It all began on Monday. The day started off well but midway through, something just clicked for me. She's really gone. Nothing can bring her back. That 7 weeks I had with her was it. Those are all the memories I will ever have of her for my entire life. I have like 10 pictures if her and one video, in which she's being kept alive by machines. That was her life. How fucking depressing is that?

I basically spent the rest of the day sobbing in bed. It was not pretty. I should have taken a picture of my swollen red face. I think that was the hardest cry I've ever had in my entire life. I even went as far as spending an hour  sitting in her room, wrapped in her blanket and hugging her princess bear while sitting on her rocker - all while sobbing. This was the first time I've spent any sort of significant time in her room. I know eventually, I am going to have to do something with it but I really don't want to. Sometimes I feel that room is the only tangible thing I have left. Other times, I wish we could just move so I don't have to look at that depressing door that remains closed any more. It should be a room full of joy, with toys and a laughing, crawling (possibly toddling if she was anything like her big brother who was walking at 10 months) baby girl. Instead, it's filled with brand new baby gear that remains unused, bags of hospital remnants, welcome home gifts that still remain unopened in their boxes and a huge stack of sympathy cards. 

Speaking of sympathy cards, I was buying one yesterday for a family member who passed away and I noticed that they have sympathy cards for losing husbands, wives, parents, even pets but did I find I single one for a parent who has lost a child? Nope. Of course not because that is not supposed to happen. It's unnatural so why bother making a greeting card recognizing this loss? Even hallmark makes me feel like a fucking pariah these days.

And that's enough of a rant for today. I already feel much better than I did on Monday. I also recognize that this is just how grief works. It comes and it goes. In my bereaved parents group, our group leader described it as a wave. It comes in , it takes over and it recedes. I think when you have lost a child, it's more of a tsunami but the metaphor still works. It also hopefully means that next week will be a better week.


  1. I'm very sorry to hear you had such a hard day...try to keep your head up! I'm sending you a hug from Canada!

  2. ((((((((Jaime))))))))))

  3. Hi..! I cant truly say I feel your loss, bcs I've havent lost a child. I came really close to it, bcs she was born premature, and got sick with a bacteria that perforated her intestines. I remembered those days and nights after her surgery thinking the same thing, I'm just here watchig her die..., and I felt like my life was coming out of me. I did loose someone very close to me, my sister, and I can relate with what you say about the short time you had with Naya. I have videos and pictures of my sister and my heart breaks when I see those toward her final days, bcs I know thats it..there will be no more pics, no more of her story is written bcs she's no longer with us. As I said, I cant relate with loosing a child, but I'm the only one left out of 4 kids my mom had, and I remember her after my sister passed away (she was 26yrs when she died), and my mom was a zombie..she was here on earth with us, only existing, surviving, feeling at odds, bcs loosing a child is so unnatural. I can tell you now, that as time passed, she's a loving mother and and amazing grandma to my baby. She has told me that nothing will ever fill the void in her heart, but she learned to live with her pain. Sending you and your husband a big hug, you are such a strong person, hope you heart heals...and as my mom says, I gotta live through the pain, hoping it hurts a little less as time goes by.

  4. i have one other very short video of her i took the same day i took the other one. if you want it i will email it to you.
    i love you Jamie