We knew the holidays were going to be tough. As much as I prepared myself for Thanksgiving, it still struck me in the back of the knees with a baseball bat. I honestly think it was three fold. 1.) It's the first "holiday" since Naya passed away and therefore the first one that she should of been spending with us, her family. 2.) Thanksgiving happened to fall on the 24th this year, so Naya would have been exactly 4 months old. 3.)We had such a good week prior, that things were bound to fall downhill from there.
But we got through it. Somehow. By means of alcohol and food coma. I don't mean to joke about that but it's true. I have basically spent this whole long weekend stuffing myself with food and alcohol to try and forget. I know I should be sitting here writing about what I'm truly thankful for but it feels too fake. I do have a great husband, a great son, a great family, a great job, great coworkers, etc. but I don't have Naya. I would trade everything I have (except Ty) just to have her here. But I can't. I'm stuck in this shitty position where I do have everything to be thankful for except the one thing that I want the most. And don't get me started on Facebook and having to read all of the bullshit that people are thankful for this year. Yeah, yeah, I'm glad you are thankful for your family and friends and la-di-da but somehow, I get the feeling that you are just saying that. I'm sorry but you have no idea. I don't think that anyone has a real idea until they have they experiences something as profound as a loss so great, that it puts anything else in perspective. I know I am being bitchy right now but whatever. I really don't believe that anyone can understand until they have experienced it. Believe me I didn't before - everything I said before was well-meaning words without a real sense of purpose. I'm sorry, but that is the truth.
Thank you guys for listening to this rant. I apologize if it seems like drunken ramblings but that's what I have to give right now. Just had to get it out. Hopefully, I can find some more positive ways of thought in the future. I can't wait until this holiday season is OVER.
Holidays are always rough when someone you love is no longer there. Time will help heal the really rough and raw wounds so that you will be able to remember without being a total emotional wreck. I'm sorry that I can't tell you how long it will take before you get there but as you know it's different for everyone. Please hang in there and thank you for posting your blog. I have read every entry and comment posted and I think of you and your family everyday. Take care and hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYou are such an amazing Mom and your beautiful angel girl knows how loved and cared for she was. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.....I only wish for a little more peace for you today then yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had a good day before facing part one of holiday hell...I'm not going to pretend to know what you are going through, but I am hoping that one good day gives you hope that there are more ahead. Like so many others, I check your blog and send up prayers for your family daily. Do what you have to do to make it through and don't apologize, I give you so much credit for pulling through as well as you have.
ReplyDeleteMelissa (friend of a friend)
I don't think you need to have lost someone to know you are thankful for them.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you can be thankful for someone without a loss. My point was (and maybe not so eloquently put) that loss changes your perspective. You become a different person and they way you view relationships change. You realize things about life and relationships that you never knew possible and it's very hard to put in perspective to someone who has never experienced a loss. I'm not saying it's a bad thing - just a difference.
ReplyDeleteJamie - don't feel bad about what you wrote. There are a lot of us out there that TOTALLY understand. xo
ReplyDelete