We knew the holidays were going to be tough. As much as I prepared myself for Thanksgiving, it still struck me in the back of the knees with a baseball bat. I honestly think it was three fold. 1.) It's the first "holiday" since Naya passed away and therefore the first one that she should of been spending with us, her family. 2.) Thanksgiving happened to fall on the 24th this year, so Naya would have been exactly 4 months old. 3.)We had such a good week prior, that things were bound to fall downhill from there.
But we got through it. Somehow. By means of alcohol and food coma. I don't mean to joke about that but it's true. I have basically spent this whole long weekend stuffing myself with food and alcohol to try and forget. I know I should be sitting here writing about what I'm truly thankful for but it feels too fake. I do have a great husband, a great son, a great family, a great job, great coworkers, etc. but I don't have Naya. I would trade everything I have (except Ty) just to have her here. But I can't. I'm stuck in this shitty position where I do have everything to be thankful for except the one thing that I want the most. And don't get me started on Facebook and having to read all of the bullshit that people are thankful for this year. Yeah, yeah, I'm glad you are thankful for your family and friends and la-di-da but somehow, I get the feeling that you are just saying that. I'm sorry but you have no idea. I don't think that anyone has a real idea until they have they experiences something as profound as a loss so great, that it puts anything else in perspective. I know I am being bitchy right now but whatever. I really don't believe that anyone can understand until they have experienced it. Believe me I didn't before - everything I said before was well-meaning words without a real sense of purpose. I'm sorry, but that is the truth.
Thank you guys for listening to this rant. I apologize if it seems like drunken ramblings but that's what I have to give right now. Just had to get it out. Hopefully, I can find some more positive ways of thought in the future. I can't wait until this holiday season is OVER.