Ignorance is Bliss

I'm just going to start this off by saying that it has been a tough weekend. After weeks of calling the pathologists office daily, I was actually able to get through and talk to the pathologist that performed Naya's autopsy directly on Friday. He told me that he is hoping to finish the report in the next week or two. He also gave light to the fact that a preliminary report was and has been available since the day after Naya's death. This was news to me and I contacted both our social worker and Naya's attending doctor at CHLA who provided us a copy of the report on Friday night.

My emotions are spinning. I'm not sure how I feel about having this information. I don't really want to go into speculation as to what the report showed, especially because absolutely nothing is finalized but aspects of the report completely broke my heart. Despite earlier reports from the geneticist at CHLA, there still is the chance that Naya may have a genetic disorder. The point is, we don't know yet and probably won't until after the report is completed, if ever. Although I said that I don't want to speculate, this has caused my mind to start spinning. I know it's not healthy and I shouldn't worry about the future but I can't help it. Dan and want to have children. We would give anything to have a happy and, above all, healthy family and we might not be able to. This is devastating to me. The pure irony is that when Dan and I got married, I wasn't sure if I wanted any more children. We agreed on having one and Naya was our blessing. And then she died. And now, all I want, more than anything in the world, is to have a child with my husband. I'm desperate for it and terrified that we might not be able to. Tomorrow, I start looking for a genetic counselor. It just keeps getting better and better.