Anger is a part of the grief process. Unfortunately, irrational anger is a huge portion of this. After you go through a loss of a child, the little "annoyances" of life seem so petty and trivial that they make you angry. I know I am experiencing this now. My irrational anger is definitely having an affect on the way I live my day-to-day life. People's ignorance, naivety and plain old stupidity annoy me to no end and I find it hard to deal with.
An example of this irrationality is that I find myself strangely annoyed at both pregnant women and new mothers. It makes me angry to see them out, holding their babies, posting pictures/info on Facebook, planning their baby showers. I am rational enough to know that I should have no anger towards them, that they are just celebrating the loves of their lives but it's still there. I know this is based on jealously and the fact that most women are blissfully unaware of the dark world that I am now part of. It makes me especially angry because I used to be that woman. I excitedly posted pictures of my pregnant self on Facebook, had two beautiful baby showers and busily prepared myself and my life for the baby that I so much wanted. And then, out of nowhere, it was all taken away from me. I could have been that woman but now I am just the mother of a child that died. I am empty and desperately wish that I could still be so naive to believe that nothing like this could possibly happen to me. But it did and now I have to deal with it.
For now, I have blocked myself from seeing the feeds of friends on Facebook that are pregnant or who have recently had a baby. I am still very happy for them but seeing their happiness hurts too much as it is a reminder of what I should have. I avoid the baby aisles of supermarkets, throw any baby specific mailings directly in the garbage can and go out of my away to avoid babies in public. I long for the day when I can be around babies again but I am nowhere close. Someday, I will get there.
Hey Jamie,please know you are not alone in those thoughts. Many of us who have lost children have gone through that and still go through it some days. I used to and sometime still, look at kids who are the age of Matt when he died and at the ages he is missing and I think "Why, Matt instead that person who is a useless waste of oxygen." Nice huh! But those a legitimate feelings. I still have absolutely no patience with stupid people who worry about stupid things! After Matt died I did a lot of reading and one of the books I read said that in general, your basic personality doesn't change but you become more of what you basically are. For me that is scary and true since I am just bitchier now than I ever was! I am sure you willl be nicer! If you want some book titles please let me know and I will let you know about some of the ones I liked. I don't think I ever sat down and read one front to back but left them on the back of the couch and picked them up when I needed, read a little, then put them down. Also check into The Compassionate Friends organization. It may give you somewhere to vent to people who understand what you are going through. I don't go anymore but I did for a long time and it helped. Let me know if I can help you or Dan or Ty in any way. Love you Terry
ReplyDeleteI'd have to say that your posts are becoming less angry and even more reflective. Don't stop writing.
ReplyDeleteI second Toni. Also, you WILL get there. I have every confidence of that. And it's good to see you know it logically, even if you can't feel it yet in your heart.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you and yours (((hugs)))
My baby is 4.5 months old. She is my first. When I read your blog I feel so many things. My first instinct is to feel grateful that I have a healthy baby. However, soon after I cannot feel anything but guilt. I feel guilty that I have a happy healthy girl when you and so many others have had to go what you have gone through. I hate it. I hate it for you. After reading your blog for so long I feel a connection to you and it hurts me to feel your hurt (even though I cannot imagine what that feels like).
ReplyDeleteI pray that someday you find peace and that you find happiness. It it unimaginable for me to think that this is not possible. I know that this could happen to anyone. Even me.
Please keep up your blog. It is inspirational to me and everyone that reads it.
Everything you are feeling is so normal! Please do not berate yourself for feeling what anyone in your situation would feel. I have not been through your personal hell, and my heart breaks for you. But, I have been through 2 back-to-back miscarriages, and those losses have completely shattered my world in ways I never new possible. I too have struggled SO much with other women and their seemingly perfect pregnancies, children and lives. I have hated them all (yes, including friends and even family members), based only on the fact that THEY got to keep their babies, whereas mine were taken from me. I too blocked everyone on facebook b/c it was just too much. I stopped talking to many people just b/c it was too painful to face their growing bellies and/or newborn babies. This is a horrible hell that no woman should ever have to endure. And my dear, what you are going through is more painful than pretty much anything I could ever conjure up. You carried and birthed a perfect, beautiful baby, and then she was taken from you. It's not fair. It's beyond comprehension. I'm not claiming to know how you feel, b/c my losses must only be a fraction of the loss you are enduring right now... I never saw my babies, never got to hold them, and I KNOW my pain would be a million times greater if I HAD. I'm so very sorry. I just wanted to write to tell you that you need to give yourself time. And lots of it. It's ok to feel hatred, jealousy, anger, etc. towards anyone you want to feel those things towards. It's natural. But I know it's not a pleasant way to be feeling... I am praying for you.
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