I hate this. I am having a shitty, emotional day (okay like two weeks now) and I am driving myself crazy. As of today, I am 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. While I am uncomfortable at this point, it is nothing compared to the mental torture I am going through. To put it bluntly, I am freaking out and I really can't think of a way to stop other than delivering this child (which will bring on a whole new set of worries but one step at a time here.)
Before I had Naya, I was prone to anxiety. There were a few times when I had panic attacks and would actually drive myself to the hospital and sit in the ER, just in case. Over time, I learned to manage my anxiety (mainly by cutting out caffeine and getting off the pill) and once I got pregnant with Naya, I hardly ever got anxious. After she died, I expected my anxiety to return full force and was surprised when it didn't. Now is a different story.
I have been pretty good this whole pregnancy. The first trimester was rough. I was sure that I was going to miscarry and I was constantly checking for blood and second guessing every cramp. Once I hit the second trimester, I mellowed and the rest of the pregnancy, I was fairly calm. Until now. Everyday is kind of torturous. When I don't feel the baby move, I freak out. I can't sleep. I am up crying a lot of the night or having panic attacks. I am so scared. I don't think I can deal with another dead baby and I am so scared that it's going to happen again. I just want the baby here so I can double check that it's okay all the time without an expensive hospital bill attached everytime. (Yes, I've been to the ER...I'm that pathetic.)
I realize that what happened with Naya was a fluke incident with the chances of it happening again akin to getting struck by lightning. Twice. That's all well and good but what about all the other more "common" ways babies die? Who says that can't happen to me. Cause guess what? I no longer live in that naive "everything will be fine, these things happen to other people and not to me" world. These things can happen to anyone at anytime. Why couldn't it happen again?
Sometimes I don't think it helps that I have completely engulfed myself completely in this "baby loss" world. Don't get me wrong - this wasn't a mistake. I love all the other loss mommas I have met. They have been my saviors and I really don't think I could have gotten through this far without them. It's just that I now know literally hundreds of women who have lost their babies (not to mention older children). You learn everyone else's story, which is just as tragic and unique as your own. And you can't help but think, "oh fuck, this could happen to me." I know that I am never "safe." My baby can die. Anytime and of a variety of things. And it's fucking stressful. I'm drained.