Hard to believe but I didn't even realize what the date was today until about Noon. Then it hit me - Of course that's why I was feeling like crap today. It's the 14th. Duh. It's funny how that kind of automatically puts me in a mood, even when I don't realize what day it is. It's been 11 months since the last time I held my baby girl in my arms and I kissed her goodbye.
We've actually had a lot of things going on in the last week or so that have kept me busy and emotional. On Sunday, Dan and I took a huge step and cleaned out Naya's room. I had been gradually working up to this - I bought bins a month ago and a pretty pink memory box a few weeks ago. I've also been putting things for the new baby into the room. (Not a lot of things but I have bought a few items like a new car seat and stroller as well as some "rainbow" hats and stuffed animals.) But on Sunday, we decided to just do it. We basically sat down and made three piles - Keeping for the new baby, giving away and storing. We decided to keep a lot of items - the crib, the rocker, the dresser, the swing, plus anything that she hadn't directly used (toys, bumbo, Ergo, etc.) We also made the decision to keep all of the bedding and some of the decor, which was something we had gone back and forth with. On the one hand, we wanted this baby to have their own stuff but on the other, we wanted them to share something. We decided that we will repaint the room next weekend and personalize it to the new baby with new wall art, etc. We made the same decision with the clothing and blankets. Anything that was specifically made for her or that she wore, we packed away. Everything else we kept.
In the giveaway pile, we put the stroller, the car seat and a couple other items. Nothing was actually wrong with these things but they just have awful memories associated with them. The car seat was the last place we saw our daughter in a "normal" way - meaning without tubes and vents keeping her alive. I didn't think we could handle using these things for the new baby, so they are going to a woman's shelter.
The last pile was probably the hardest. This pile contained everything we had and wanted to save of our daughter. Her baby book, her footprints, her bag of hair that they cut off in the Hospital to treat her bed sores. The outfit that we originally brought her home in. Balloons that people had sent after she was born saying "It's a Girl!" Presents that were sent to our house after we had left for the hospital that we had never opened. Her princess bear and unicorn that were on her window sill in the hospital. The hair bows we changed every day. The blanket that she had been wrapped in after she died and we held her for hours. The newspaper articles written about her. The guestbook from the funeral. Dan and I sorted all of these things and more and put most of them away into a bin in the garage and the rest in the memory box that is now sitting on a shelf in our living room. I think that was the hardest part for me - my daughter's life fits into a bin and a small box. It hurts.
But we got it done. And next weekend, we will finish the room as best we can for this rainbow that will be here very, very soon. I was planning on writing more tonight but I will have to continue tomorrow. My back is yelling at me to go lie down and I figure I better listen, especially after I had to spend some time yesterday having a non-stress test at the hospital. (Everything was fine - the baby is usually a wiggle monster and was barely moving. I wanted to be safe rather than sorry.)