Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Six Months

I am usually able to hold myself together pretty well on a day-to-day basis. Some days, I probably even seem downright normal. Hell, some days I might even feel downright normal. But I can tell you, there is not a day that goes by where I don't spend hours and hours thinking about and missing my baby. Most of the time, I hold it in and disguise my grief. Other times, I have days like today where I allow it to come out to the surface.

Naya would have been six months old today. She would be sitting up by herself, eating solid food and possibly crawling. She would be laughing and babbling and probably drooling up a storm because of little teeth that were pushing their way through her gums. She would have been adorable. She would have been happy. We all would have been happy.

Instead, I spent her 6 month mark today looking at her picture of when she was a newborn. She will never change from this picture. She will eternally be a newborn baby to me and I will never get to see her grow and change and become the beautiful person that I know she would have if so many god damn things hadn't gone wrong.

Sometimes, it all just still seems so surreal. I look at her picture and I truly can't believe that she is dead. I mean, how could that beautiful little baby girl really not exist anymore. The really sad thing is that sometimes, I really can't believe she ever existed. I can't remember holding her and kissing her or reading her stories. I can't remember her cry. Oh, god I wish I could just remember what she sounded like. I kick myself everyday for not taking video of her during those 5 days we had her at home. I would give anything to just be able to see her again, moving around and gazing up at us. I wish I could see her eyes. I didn't realize at the time that those five days were the only time that I was ever going to have to make positive memories. Yes, I had 7 more weeks in the hospital but she was so sick and sedated, that those weren't really the memories I want to hold on to.

I wish I could smell her again. Before we got home from LA, friends and family came and cleaned our house and put all of her stuff (after washing it) in her room and shut the door. But they missed a onesie and a blanket of hers. This may sound pathetic but I have it sitting in a plastic bag in my dresser. I am afraid to open it because I don't want the scent to go away to quickly. I am literally rationing her smell.

I wish she could hear me when I tell her I love her. I wish I could tell her how much I miss her. I wish she was here.


  1. I have no words of encouragement, but my thoughts are with you and your little girl.

  2. Jamie- I was a July 2011 mama too, but I didn't frequent the main board and wasn't aware of your blog until one of my fellow July 2011 30+ mamas posted a link to it after Naya had passed. Even though I knew the outcome when I started reading your blog, I kept hoping that Naya somehow pulled through and was with you today. You are an amazingly strong woman and I love reading your blog. I know there will always be a special place in your heart for Naya, but I wish you good health and happiness as you try to grow your family again.

  3. I have never met you but somehow I just can't stop thinking about you and your precious Naya. I was listening to the radio this morning and heard "Blessings" by Laura Story and made me think of you. I hope I don't offend you but I posted the lyrics below:

    We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
    Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
    We pray for healing, for prosperity
    We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
    All the while You hear each spoken need
    Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

    'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears?
    What if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You're near?
    What if trials of this life
    Are Your mercies in disguise?

    We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
    We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
    We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
    As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
    And all the while You hear each desperate plea
    And long that we'd have faith to believe

    When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
    We know that pain reminds this heart
    That this is not, this is not our home
    It's not our home

    What if my greatest disappointments
    Or the aching of this life
    Is the revealing of a greater thirst
    This world can't satisfy?

    And what if trials of this life
    The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
    Are Your mercies in disguise?