Monday, October 3, 2011

Over but Just Beginning

I know it's been a few days since I have written a post but we had a very busy weekend. On Friday, we buried Naya. We chose to have her cremated and we bought a beautiful pink marble urn for her remains. We had a short and private ceremony for our family and a few friends. I can't even describe how surreal and difficult that day was. Burying your child is not something I would want anyone to experience. I have been to the cemetery to visit her everyday since. I don't really say anything, just sit there and cry in disbelief that my child is really gone and in this grave. I know people have been telling me that she is not in pain anymore, which is true but I still think that this is a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Denial, yes I realize that, but reality is just too hard to deal with at this point.

I know others will tell me that she is in a better place and I really wish I could believe that. I don't really want to get into a whole religious discussion because, again, that is not the point of this blog, but I am not nor have never been very religious. I am not going to go into detail with my beliefs on here but lets just say that they haven't changed. Life is still a mystery that I don't believe we can ever figure out. No matter how hard we try to understand why things happen, we can never know for sure.

Anyway, enough on that. On Saturday, we held a beautiful memorial service on the cliffs overlooking the ocean. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and entirely fitting of my baby girl. We had so many wonderful people come out to support us and remember Naya's short little life. If you were there (even in spirit) thank you. We could literally feel your love and we appreciate it. We want to give a big thanks to my friend Ryan for doing a wonderful job officiating the service. I don't know how you did it man but we were blown away by the beauty of your words. You have a gift my friend. I also want to thank Melinda for the wonderful flowers and Lori and Connie for helping set everything up. You guys are amazing. Also big thanks for my wonderful family - my mom, Nancy, Bill & Bobbie for flying out here from Chicago to support us through this. You provided us with a much needed distraction and for that, we are incredibly thankful. Also to Brooke and Lisa, our wonderful nurses from CHLA, thank you for going above and beyond by being there. You both are remarkable people and as I said before, you are now stuck with us in your lives. Love you guys so much and hope I didn't just get anyone in trouble for calling you out. You have no idea how much you have helped us during this time. I will never, ever forget it.

The day was just perfect despite the little hiccup at the end. I probably shouldn't write this on here because it ruins the ambiance of the day but it is a perfect example of the luck Dan and I have. Immediately following the service, police began showing up and scoping the cliff out right behind us. Turns out that they had just found the body of a man that had been missing for a few days. Yes, I am serious. This really did happen. Un-freaking-believable but par for the course in my life at this point. I didn't let it bother me too much but I felt very sorry for the wedding that was setting up to take place after our event. You can't make this shit up folks.

I spend most of my days thinking (believe me, I wish I could turn my brain off but that is not going to happen for awhile - despite the prescription for Ambien that I have and am too afraid to take.) It's so strange how you never really know how wonderful people are until something tragic happens. The outreach that we have had is absolutely amazing and our family, friends and community have gone above and beyond to support us. It is truly mind blowing and we are incredibly blessed to have you all in our lives. Nothing can make this better but little things do help. I know that I have already grown from this. I am definitely not sweating the small stuff (like the wonderful "discovery" at the memorial). It just doesn't matter. After what I have been and still am going through, all the old grudges and heartaches and little bullshit just seem so inconsequential. So pointless when we all have such a short time here and we never know when it's going to end. I hate that I have had to go through this in order to see this but I am going to be grateful for any positives that come out of it. I can't comprehend how to handle this any other way. But, as I said in another post, grief has many stages and changes rapidly. Perhaps this is just how I am feeling today. Everyday is a new struggle with a different emotion. Can't wait to see where I'm at tomorrow (yes, that is sarcasm).

I miss you baby. You are never out of my thoughts.

PS - Sorry for the stream of consciousness form this post took. Hope I didn't lose anyone in my rambling.


  1. I'm from the July board on babycenter and have been following your blog. I just want to say I am truly sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury their child. Your daughter was beautiful and I pray you find comfort in whatever way works for your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  2. Don't ever apologize, let all that you need out. Thank you for sharing with us and letting us accompany you in your heartache. One day at a time, heck even one minute a time. It will get better.

  3. We love you guys. You are never out of our thoughts either.

  4. Always in our hearts and mind. We love you guys so much.

  5. jamie,

    i found your blog through the july 2011 birth board on babycenter. i've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now, but have not been able to comment, because what on earth could i say in the face of such a tragedy? my words, of course, will fall short. but i just want you to know that i understand a little what you are going through - i went through a stillbirth of my daughter - and while i am not in any way trying to compare what i went through compared to what you are, i just want you to know that you are not alone. it's okay to just not be okay. you need to grieve and mourn and get angry as hell. and just know that while you're doing all that, someone from salt lake city, utah, is thinking of you.