Thursday, October 6, 2011

Mood Swings

I thought I was bad when I was pregnant with Naya. During that first trimester, Dan was so afraid to talk to me as he never knew if he would be dealing with a crying mess or exuberant mother-to-be. Although, I didn't really recall it at the time, my hormones were so out of wack, that I never know who I would turn into from one moment to the next. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde was inhabiting my body. Luckily, it cleared up when I moved into the second trimester.

The feelings that I have now are actually quite similar. I am mostly a crying mess. Sometimes, I am an angry mess. Sometimes a lethargic mess. Sometimes a drunk mess. Sometimes a catatonic mess. I have, however, lost the exuberant part of me. She is long gone and it scares me that that part of me will never come back. I feel like I am just watching the game of life going on around me and I wonder if I will ever feel like playing in it again. My pain is so raw that even doing simple things like leaving my house and going to the grocery store involve way too much energy. Especially because I have to mask my feelings so I don't look like a crazy person. It is unacceptable to start breaking down in line at the grocery store (which I did) and start a conflict over the price of ground turkey (which I did too.) Sidenote: the people at Vons in Nipomo are not very nice.

I have spending most of my day, sitting at my computer in our home office. I do work most of the day and spend the rest of my time researching Sepsis and what happened to Naya. There is not a lot of information out there, especially because I'm looking for families that have gone through a similar situation. I have found some and most of their children pulled through because they were diagnosed very early on before even leaving the hospital. It makes me sad and mad but thankful that at least their children made it and they can offer me a little bit of information. Once the autopsy comes back, I can at least start trying to fit all of these puzzle pieces together rather the just connecting the edges.

I have also joined a number of online groups that deal with infant loss, since we have no physical groups in the area that are specific to infant loss. While these groups are helpful, some of them make me a little angry. Most sites lump miscarriages in with infant loss and I hate that. I don't, in anyway, want to discredit any pain that anyone might be going through but holding/touching/bringing home a seemingly healthy baby girl is so much different then losing a child in a first-trimester miscarriage. I saw her, I held her, I kissed her, I smelled the sweet scent of her skin and heard her cry. I have concrete memories of her laying in her crib, on my bed and in my arms. I physically saw the person she could have become. I have connected more with the SIDS parents even though they are going through a different struggle, as for the most part, their babies passed at home in their sleep and I had to sit through the hell ride of the NICU and watch my baby get sicker and sicker everyday. I realize that the end result is the same though - we have all lost a child that we desperately wanted and loved. We all feel empty and that part of us is gone and will never return. We are all part of this shitty club of child loss and it's one that we all would do anything to get out of. But we never can. We will always be parents who have lost a child. It happened and nothing can change that. We just need to somehow figure out how to possibly go on.


  1. I read every Blog you post and I cry my eyes out at every one i read...I Have grown to your family even though we do not know each other, But I pray and Have high Hope for Dan Ty and You every day!.....On to the blog...why dont you Start a group for mother who have lost infants? It will keep you busy and Keep your mind busy and Help you greive nd overcome everything. I am postive their are other Familys in and around nipomo that have lost babies between birth and a year old. Maybe their just waiting for someone strong to come along and start up a group so everyone can relate nd talk things threw! I think it would be a wonderful idea...Just an idea.Again My prayers, Hope, and Love remain with you and your family threw all of this!!!

  2. I bet she can hear you,I’ll bet she watches you all the time. Maybe she’s happy now… maybe some people just aren’t meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some are just passing through… maybe they get it all done faster than the rest of us. They don’t need to stick around for a hundred years to get it all right. They get it down real quick… it’s like some people just come through our lives to bring us something, a gift, a lesson we need to learn,
    and that’s why they’re here. SHe taught you something, I’ll bet…about love, and giving, and caring so much about someone…that was her gift to you. SHe taught you all that, and then she left. Maybe she just didn’t need to stay longer than that. SHe gave you the gift, and then
    she was free to move on… she was a special soul… you’ll have that gift forever!

  3. This might sound crazy to you, but I've been following your blog since the begining, and I recently had a dream of your late daughter. I don't know if it's because I've been reading it every time you post, or not, but I am a firm believer in dreams. She was sitting in a large green field surrounded by daisies smiling at everyone passing by her. I'm sure it means she is in a much better place.

  4. So, can i just say that I hate the platitude-ey bullshit most people cling to when it comes to death? I hope it's not too rude to admit that, because I was and still am, so pissed off -at god, at the doctors, the universe, for not allowing you more time with your dear, sweet daughter. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met, Jamie. You are strong and kind, with a smile that lights up everyone's lives around you. I hope that one day the joy and light you carried with you when we met and were in art class together, can be yours again. I know the heaviness in your heart makes it look impossible, now. But, I hope you can see you deserve to be happy again, someday.

  5. Jamie~ Don't give up....Dan and Ty need you. I know it may seem like never again, but you WILL find happiness must LET yourself though! It seems like you get some relief when you write your gets your feelings out rather than bottle them up. You deserve to have the feeling of happiness back and I am confident that through your strength and love for your family you will find it again! My heart bleeds for you...I am so sorry you are going through this...and I know its easier said than done...

  6. Jamie,

    I was sent a link to your blog, by a friend of a friend. Only because it hit so close to home. As I read your blog my heart broke for you.
    I lost my daughter in May after an 8 month battle in the NICU. I live in Grover Beach and too was disapointed in the lack of resources available for parents that have went through such a traumatic loss.
    Please know I am here and could use a friend too.
    Love to you and your sweet angel,

  7. Hoping you find something more substantial to draw strength from. Other friends and people who can relate (as the above poster), some faith, and one day a small tiny seed of a sprout of the former exuberant you getting ready to make her way up through the soil again. Thanks for sharing your grocery store experience. For some reason (even though I don't work in a grocery store), it really made me realize that I should always be patient with people because you never know what they're going through. Praying for God to send you little joys and comforts each day. And strength...
    melissa (july birth board)

  8. I just found your blog and wish I had words to express how sad I am that you are living an earthly "hell". I want to thank for for your statement about miscarriages being different than infant loss. It's always been a huge gripe of mine that people have the audacity to say they are even comparable. You hit the nail on the head you held her, saw her, smelled her, felt her.
    Jamie I will be praying for you.