Monday, October 17, 2011

And We are Back

Well, we are back from our trip to Puerto Vallarta. I had reservations about going at first but I am glad we went. Despite the Hurricane that hit early in the week (yes, this seriously happened. Remember, I have the worst luck in the world.) we managed to have a good, relaxing time. It was nice to get away to a place that: a) no one knows us and therefore doesn't know what happened and
b) small talk is almost impossible since my espagnol is terrible.
We spent most of our time in Mexico swimming. Even through the Hurricane. I would say I spent at least 5 hours a day in the pool. My hands are still wrinkled. It was a relaxing and reflective time for me. It's funny, when I was pregnant in Naya, I had the biggest urges to be in a pool even though I'm not a big fan of swimming. I think she may have been a swimmer if she had been able to grow up. In a way, floating on my back in the pool and looking up at the palm trees swaying while the rain fell made me feel physically connected to her again. Not to get all Freudian but maybe it was the womblike atmosphere of the warm pool that provided the connection that I am desperately needing. My body aches for her in a way I can't even attempt to describe.

And now, we are home. Ughhh. Home. Back to reality. Back to work (me from home and Dan from the office). Back to the fact that we are parents of a child that has passed away. As I said before, that was a definite positive of Mexico although in a strange way, it was also a discomfort. Unfortunately, that fact that we have lost a child is now and always will be a defining factor of our lives and personalities. And people can't tell that just by looking at us. I almost want to wear a sign that says "we just lost our baby - please be nice to us and ignore that fact that I might start crying over nothing in a moment." Because that's how it is. I can go through a good portion of the day without crying but it creeps up at weird moments. And it's weird for anyone who may be around me at that particular point especially if they have no idea what happened. I am just the strange lady crying in the grocery store line or eating dinner with her husband.

It happened quite a bit in Mexico too. I talked Dan into ziplining on Friday. He hates heights but trusted me enough to go and we had fun. I cried though. I was getting ready to go down the longest line in the park and the guide asked me if we were enjoying our Honeymoon. I told him that we weren't on our honeymoon and had been married for a year. He said "Oh, just on vacation then." I just smiled and let the language barrier act as my scapegoat. I really didn't want to get into a conversation about why were there in my broken spanish.  He strapped me to the pulley on the cable and gave me a push to send me accross. I cried the whole way.


  1. Welcome back home. I am glad to hear that the joy and love continues in your hearts. Let us know if you need anything. Love: Rod (Dad)

  2. Your strength through this continues to amaze me. Stay strong in your love for each other, yes, your lives have changed forever. But your love is incredibly strong, and it will get you through.

  3. Jamie, I don't think you have the worst luck in the world. You have a son who adores you and a husband who loves you more than words can express. You have family and extended family, all of whom love and care about you. And you have a huge network of friends who support, love, care, embrace, and laugh with you. You have a beautiful home to live in, beautiful seaside weather, and gorgoeus scenery. You have a job that allows you to be creative. Your life is surrounded with lucky-wonderful people and things. Loving memories keep little Naya a part of your life. I know you are in pain but look at some of lucky-loving elements in your life. There are rainbows out there waiting to be seen.

  4. Very glad to hear you guys made it home safely...I thought about you all on the 14th but was camping and out of service...really glad that you had so much love surrounding you. <3

  5. *hugs* I'm sorry Jamie, I wish I had words to comfort you but I don't. Even though You don't know me, I want you to know that I am here. <3


  6. I'm glad you guys got to get away. I missed your posts while you were gone, and think about you guys every day.

  7. Im glad you two were able to get away from it all for a few days. Cry when you need to cry, scream when you need to scream and smile when you have sweet memories of your beautiful baby girl. Thinking and praying for you everyday!
    (from BBC July)