Friday, July 6, 2012

Splices of happiness

It's amazing to me how bittersweet life becomes after your child dies. The world is such a different place no matter how hard you try to make yourself fit into it again. I think most days I do a pretty good job. I can act normal and wear my mask with the best of them. I am functioning again in my job and am out in the public eye and hardly ever start crying out of nowhere. I know when it's going to start and what my triggers are and then I excuse myself and go in a bathroom stall, cry, compose myself and return to what I was doing. Somedays are better than others and there are even somedays when I can feel happiness at times and "forget." But there isn't a single day that I don't think or cry about Naya and wonder what could have been and I don't think there ever will be. That's just the way it is, unfortunately. You have to find a way to be happy and functioning among the grief because it will never go away. You have to find a way to try and enjoy your life again while realizing that nothing is ever going to go back to "normal."

The last week has been pretty busy for me. My sister came into town (she lives in Kenya) and my best friend got married last weekend. Add in the Fourth of July and work and we were running around. My friend's wedding was amazing. I was one of the bridesmaids so I had a super busy time (that my old and pregnant ass is still recovering from!) but it was fantastic.

She was so absolutely beautiful and it was one of the few times since Naya died that I can say I truly enjoyed myself for an extended period of time. I was just so happy for her and so glad to be there supporting her as she married her best friend. She has been there for me in ways that I can't even begin to describe, especially over the past year (she was in the hospital with us when Naya passed away and I don't know what I would have done without her) and I love her so much. It was wonderful to see her so happy because she deserves it. She's probably going to kill me but I have to post a picture of her and show everyone how beautiful she looked. Love you both Lindsay and Phil.

As I said the wedding was amazing. Lindsay planned out even the smallest of details and they were all beautiful. She even included all of my children in the wedding - Ty carried a sign saying here comes the bride, nugget was inside me and Naya was on a charm on my bouquet.

This made us both cry and I wasn't allowed to look at her after she had her makeup applied but it was absolutely perfect. I forgot to take a picture of the bouquet on the day of the wedding but it still looked great two days later despite the 90 degree heat it endured!

So all-in-all, it was a great day. I had some moments of sadness - it was hard seeing everyone there, happy and celebrating with their children. It just makes you realize what you are missing that much more sometimes. I wanted her there toddling around with the other babies in a little pink dress. Then your thoughts get to you a bit - a wedding makes us think of all the other missed opportunities we will never experience with her. I'll never get able to help her plan a wedding or pick out a wedding dress. Dan will never get to walk her down the aisle or have his father/daughter dance. They are small things but they hurt because when you have children, you look forward to these little things in their future. It's hard to admit to yourself that  those opportunities are really gone.


  1. Seeing your bouquet with the charm of naya just did me in. You are very blessed to have such a wonderful friend, and I must say you look radiant and gorgeous. You, Dan and Ty are lucky to have eachother :)

  2. This was so sweet. I love you too. So much! I'm lucky to have you in my life.