I really should start writing when I have better days because it feels like the only times I update is when I've had a bad day. Perhaps it's because on the bad days, I feel the need to sit and sort my feelings out.
I had a bad day. I was able to keep myself together and keep the "I'm normal" mask on all day but whenever I stole a moment alone, I cried. There's really no reason why it should have been a bad day - it wasn't a trigger day or anything - but I felt like shit.
I think a lot of it has to do with the weekend. For Dan's birthday, I got him tickets to go see the Giants/Cubs play up in San Francisco. We took Ty up there and had a wonderful time. It was great to see my husband so happy and actually enjoying life. But that's kind of where our trouble started (he's feeling like shit too). While we were at the game, we noticed people with their kids (specifically toddlers and babies) everywhere. They all looked so happy - many probably sharing their first ball game with their kids. This may sound completely innocuous to anyone who hasn't lost a child but if you have, you probably get where I'm going with this. It sucks to see other people with their children when your child is dead. All it does is show you what you are missing out on and what you don't have and never will again. Because yes, we will have more children (if we are lucky enough to do so) but we will NEVER get HER back. She will always be dead and there will always be a huge chunk missing from my heart.
And then we come home. It sucks coming home. It's really hard to ignore what has happened in our lives when we come home - after all, you walk into our house and the first thing in your line of sight is the closed door to the room that used to be hers but is now the room where all the baby stuff sits until I am ready to deal with it.
Sometimes I feel like we live in a different world than everyone else. While everyone else is going about their normal lives, doing everyday things like taking their kids to ball games, we are just sitting there looking in with jealousy and sadness. Whether we like it or not, we are forever changed - we just don't see the world in the same way as everyone else anymore. We know that no matter what we do, tragedy can happen. We realize that we are helpless and don't have as much control over ourselves and our lives as we thought we did. We know that we can wake up one day and our lives can change forever. We realize the meaning of mortality and have lost our innocence forever. We are different and we aren't going to change back, no matter how much other people wish we could. We are not going to ever be considered "normal" again.
I read an article today that a woman in one of my online grief groups posted that I wanted to share about this very subject. I think it's very well written and completely describes what I am feeling. Hopefully, it can help others either understand our grief as a bereaved parent or help the bereaved parents realize that we are not alone. http://missinglarry.com/2012/05/30/for-those-of-you-who-believe-you-could-lose-your-child-tomorrow-and-still-be-who-you-are-today-2/