Friday, February 17, 2012

A see-saw kind of day

Wow. Instead of riding a roller coaster like I did everyday in the NICU, my day took on a see saw sort of feel. I'll take it over the roller coaster, that's for sure.

My day started off borderline. Last night, I had a dream and it confused the hell out of me. I woke up around 3 (which seems to be my hour to wake up every night) and could not go back to sleep. It was very confusing. It started off at CHLA and she was there, alive but still hooked up to the machines and very, very sick. And then, magically, she wasn't. She morphed into what felt like a different baby (a girl with light brown hair, blue eyes and significantly more chunky than Naya). This baby wasn't hooked up to any machines and had her eyes open, staring and winking at me. Although she was probably only a month old, she started moving her mouth and smiling and laughing at me. And Dan and I were smiling and laughing back. We were happy - all of us. And then my dream took a 90 degree turn and a friend of mine who passed away over the summer was there. But it wasn't him - I mean it didn't look like him but it was him. I told him that he looked different and he said that's the way it works. That's when I woke up.

After Dan I woke up, I told him about the dream and just started sobbing. It's such a blessing to dream about her but it makes me miss her that much more when I wake up. Add that to the fact that I was so confused about the meaning of the dream and my morning was pretty much shot.

But I got up. I worked for awhile and then Ty and I took the dog to walk on the Beach. Afterward we stopped and got tea and cookies. That's when I had one of those "if God exists he must enjoy messing with me moments." I go to the same coffee shop 3-4 times a week (I know, it's ridiculous but they have decaf Chai so I must.) One of the girls who has worked there for a long time just had a baby a few weeks ago, so I've been avoiding it a bit. Today, I figured screw it - what are the chances that she will be there with the baby when I get there? Right? Yep, you can guess what happened next. I ordered and while I was sitting there waiting for my drinks, who walks in? Yep. That is how great my timing is.

So Ty and I went home and I figured that my day was just going to continue on the random dark path it seemed to be headed down. Not the case. Today, I got a phone call from the March of Dimes. It turns out that our team is the second highest fundraising Family team in the nation right now. I am just over the moon. Thank you everyone so much for all of your support. I am blown away by your generosity. You all continue to amaze me.

But, of course, I now have a new challenge. I am pretty competitive and I don't like the idea of being second. I want to be first. And I could use your help :) If you can afford to contribute, please consider donating to this wonderful cause. There are millions of babies who will appreciate your help.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe your friend was trying to give you comfort in the hope that one day you and Dan will find joy in a sweet healthy baby girl, even though it wont be Naya. I've never met you but follow your blog, and I grieve for your lost little one. I'm so sorry. I can tell how much you love Naya with all of your soul.