I've had a tough week. I've been incredibly busy at work and my stress levels have definitely reached a high, which I know have contributed to how terrible and emotional I have been feeling. Mix in the fact that I haven't been sleeping due to insomnia and you have a pretty toxic combination.
Part of what is keeping me up at night is that lately, I have been feeling a lot of guilt. However, it's a different guilt from what I was experiencing before (although some of the coulda, shoulda, wouldas will always be there for me). Now, my guilt is due to two different factors - my healing and my other regrets.
Everyday, I know I am getting stronger. I feel it. I am able to go to work, hold normal conversations and generally get through the day without having complete and total mental breakdowns. Sure, I have my days but the really bad ones are becoming further apart. This should make me happy, right? I am healing and that's supposed to be a good thing. Only, it's not. It actually does kind of the opposite. It makes me feel like a terrible mother because I am going on in my life and moving on. It makes me feel like I am dishonoring Naya and that makes me so sad. I don't want to move on. It feels like the further I move on, the further she is from me and my life and I hate that. I don't want her removed from my life, I want her in it. And so I feel guilt and trepidation about healing. Isn't that some irony?
Another thing that has really been bothering me lately are some of the decisions I made while Naya was in the hospital. I feel guilty for putting that poor little girl through so much pain and suffering with all of the medical interventions we did to try to keep her alive. I know that I am looking at everything in hindsight and going back, I probably would have made the same decisions but god damn does it hurt thinking about it. I just keep imagining how much pain she was in and I hate myself for allowing and encouraging it. It just kills me that my daughter spent the majority of her life in pain and I prolonged it just so I wouldn't have to deal with her death. It breaks my heart that much more.