Rhone

Wow. I have been absent for awhile! I have a good excuse though. On September 5 at 1:52am, I gave birth to a beautiful 7lb 9oz baby boy. His name is Rhone Nayin Manalo and he is absolutely perfect. Rhone means "that which runs" or river and Nayin is pronounced like Nigh in and means Bright Eyes in Indian. (It's also an obvious homage to Naya.) He's also very healthy. He's eating and pooping and doing everything normal newborns should do. He actually pooped within the first 6 hours or so after birth. A nurse was in the room with us when we opened that first poopy diaper and started crying with us. She told us that she had never seen parents cry over the first poop before and it was touching.

Speaking of the nurses, we had a wonderful and amazing birth experience this time around. My OB (gosh, I love her), had made sure that the labor and delivery staff knew our story and everyone went above and beyond to make sure that Rhone was thoroughly checked and that we were comfortable with everyone and everything. The on call pediatrician even called a Children's hospital to double check if there was anything he should be specifically doing to check Rhone's digestive system and make sure that his bowels were in working order. Every nurse took the time to check him thoroughly while taking vitals and treated us with so much love and compassion. I truly can't say enough good things about how wonderful everyone was. I am so thankful. It was amazing.

The only hard part was that Rhone had jaundice. He had to be brought to the nursery to be placed under the bili lights and could only spend feeding times with us. It was very tough to be separated from him for that 24 hours, especially because he was in a bed similar to what Naya was in while she was in the NICU. It brought back a lot of hard memories for us (PTSD is a bitch) and we had to keep telling ourselves that he was fine, jaundice is super common and he was in a nursery and not a NICU. Luckily, it only meant an extra day in the hospital and we were able to be released at the same time.

Physically, I am doing very well. Healing is going much more smoothly than it did for either Ty or Naya and I am ready to go back to the gym and start reclaiming my body. Mentally, I am doing well with some hiccups. I can truly say that I am feeling real joy again and the smile on my face is genuine rather than forced. My grief feels like it has changed a bit as well - it's still there, still intense but not constant. Perhaps I am just distracted with Rhone and the work and happiness he has brought or perhaps it's because it's almost been a year since Naya died but I do feel a change of some sort. I am feeling somewhat happy and excited about life again. I never thought I would be able to say that.

Not that the happiness doesn't come with a price. This whole experience with Rhone's birth and all the extra precautions taken have also made me cry. I wish I could go back in time and insist that Naya receive the same care. It has made me realize even more what a shitty deal she got and how much she didn't deserve the hand she got dealt. I wish I could have protected her better. I wish I knew then what I knew now. It makes it hard to fully enjoy my son without feeling guilty about the life my daughter was denied. I still miss her. I always will and I wish I could have both of them. Life can be very bittersweet.

Light

Staying busy has been good for us and we had a very busy last couple of days. Dan and I both worked late on Friday night (Dan very, very late) and worked Saturday morning and afternoon. Doesn't sound fun but it definitely helps keep your mind off things. I was quite proud of myself that I was able to make it through a whole show at work and deal with actually people. (I work in a performing arts center and a lot of my job has to do with interacting with the public, something that has been hard for me to do thus far.)

And then the fun began. Yeah, I actually said that. We had fun this weekend. On Saturday, two of our nurses came up from LA and we had a blast. We went to dinner on Saturday night and then wine tasting on Sunday. (We live in wine country.) We started off at Tobin James (which is a lot of fun) and then continued onto Clautiere aka the wig place. This winery is absolutely adorable and the best part, is they have bins of wigs for people to wear while tasting. We decided to switch wigs with every different wine and had a blast. Hopefully no one gets upset at me for posting this pic but I think we look adorable.

After Clautiere, we went to an adorable winery called Penman Springs that has two adorable women working there. I have to say, this might be my new favorite winery in Paso. They were so welcoming and hospitable. We had a blast despite the rain. Hell, we even saw a double rainbow. That's got to mean something good, right? What else does a double rainbow mean (and yes, I am parodying that youtube clip). We ended the evening with an awesome dinner and great company at Brooke's parents house. I think this was the first time that I could say we had lots of fun and felt like ourselves again. Thank you ladies. We love you. We are so lucky to have you in our lives. I'm glad that something good came out of this situation.

Anyway, yesterday I went to my OB to talk about the future which was probably not the best idea after a day of wine tasting and a 30 year-old body (draw your own conclusions here) but I'm glad I went. We discussed the idea of future pregnancies and laid out a game plan for when/if it happens. My doctor is so amazing and understanding. She said that we will do anything to make me comfortable and to releive as much stress as possible. I walked out of that office actually feeling excited about the future. Feels weird just typing that but it's true. I'm hoping for more bright days in the future. After living in such a fog for the majority of the time, it's nice to know that some days bring light.