Today I went to your grave to talk to you. I told you about your brothers and your daddy. I cried as I told how much I have been hurting lately. How my fears about the future are destroying me. l laid down on the grass to get closer to you. I wish I could have felt you there. I wish I could feel you anywhere. There are days when I am fine but there are others where the pain is so raw, I feel like I did at the beginning of this nightmare. I am never going to stop yearning for you. Sometimes, it is too much. I miss you. I love you. I want you here.
It hurts.
Jamie,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me I have been following your story since the beginning of this blog. My former high school English teacher had shared it on facebook.
What I wanted to tell you was that your strength and courage in the face of the loss of your wonderful Naya is nothing short of inspiring. I appreciate your willingness to be REAL about grief and trauma. That is incredibly brave and rare in a world that prizes putting on a face.
As someone who has faced her own forms of trauma I know telling you that it will be OK won't help because the reality is that this is not OK. Instead I will say this: I feel your pain through your words. Your pain is valid and real. Sometimes with trauma we feel pain like it is happening all over again, it's raw and terrible like a wound ripped wide open that had never properly healed. It DOES hurt.
-Katie
I sit here, looking at the photo of beautiful Naya in the sidebar, and find it hard to believe she isn't in your arms. And of course, I wish she was.
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