Saturday, February 16, 2013

Fear and Loathing in my Bedroom

I am exhausted. I know Rhone isn't my first child but I honestly forgot how hard it is to have an infant. I wake up every morning and I swear I am more exhausted then I was when I went to bed. Somedays, I can not even tell you how I am managing to function - I float through the day in a caffeine induced fog that somehow gets me from point A to point B. What I would do for a full nights sleep is downright questionable and probably embarrassing. I can also barely put a coherent thought or sentence together, so forgive me if this post is a bit on the rambling side.

I know every mother of an infant feels this way. My problem is that I feel so damn guilty for feeling this way. Because of what I went through with Naya, I feel like I should be enjoying every moment of Rhone's infancy, no matter how exhausted I am. I remember after Naya died, I would hear women complain about their babies and how they weren't sleeping and I would think about how I would give anything to be exhausted as long as my baby was alive. Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly grateful for every moment I have with Rhone. Most nights, I enjoy the 3am feeding because it gives me an extra opportunity to cuddle with my boy but almost 6 months of not sleeping is really starting to wear on me. I'm tired and I'm cranky.

The ironic thing is that Rhone is a pretty good sleeper and always has been. We even had a whole month where he slept through the night from Thanksgiving to Christmas. For the most part, we are now on an only once a night wake-up around 3am schedule, which as I said before, is not terrible. The part that sucks is that I have the absolute hardest time falling back asleep after I feed him. Most nights, it takes me at least an hour - sometimes more - to fall back asleep. There are some nights in which I can't fall back asleep at all.

I have always had trouble falling asleep but Naya's death has definitely made it worse. My head just won't shut up. I lie there after putting Rhone down and all that runs through my head is every possible bad thing that could conceivably (and not so conceivably) happen. And my thoughts are not only based solely around Rhone and Ty but also extend to Dan, my parents, my grandparents, my family, my friends - hell, even my dogs. It feels like I'm lying there watching a new Final Destination type movie starring the people in my life night after night.

To make things tougher, Rhone got his first cold three weeks ago. And, of course, in the style that my life is accustomed too, it was a doozie. He had RSV that turned into bronchiolitis. We took him to the doctor four times and the ER twice in the course of a week. There was one day where he was wheezing so badly that I honestly thought he had pneumonia and was going to die. (That was one of the ER trips - they were also concerned and gave him a chest xray just to check.) It was honestly one of my worse fears come to life - I felt like I was watching him go through exactly what Naya went through (He even puked all over me in the ER just like Naya did to Dan when we took her to the ER) and it was terrifying. I spent a great majority of that two weeks sobbing and overcome with fear. I stayed up at night staring at him just to make sure that he was still breathing. He is better now but I am not. I am so scared of something happening to him or to anyone in my life, that I am losing sleep which is affecting everything else in my life. I hate to wish away his infancy but I will be glad when he becomes an older and stronger toddler.


  1. well... if it makes you a little bit more sane, I went through the same thing... the worrying... Given I didn't lose a child, but don't beat yourself too much about these feelings. I think it's just part of the territory with an infant.

  2. Parenting is hard, regardless of the path you've walked to get there.

  3. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you want them to grow quicker and I cannot begin to imagine the double fear you face after suffering the loss you did. You are a strong woman and everyone in your life is lucky to have you :)