Let it Out

One thing that I completely hate is that I can not look at pictures of Naya. It hurts too much. Not that I have many pictures of her (I seriously have maybe 20 where she is not sick) but I can not look at them without sobbing. I hate it. I want to be able to look at my baby and feel some joy but everytime I do, it kills me. I think it's because it makes this all seem real. Most of the time I can fight it and pretend that this never happened. That's honestly how I get through the day - I keep myself so busy that I can ignore the fact that my daughter is dead. But when I find myself with extra time and do things like sit down at the computer and look at the pictures of her, it tears up my heart. It makes me realize that she was here, she was alive and these are real pictures of my daughter who is dead. I had her, I was holding her at one time and now she's gone and I will never hold her again. Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate this. I want my daughter here. I want to hold her and give her a kiss. I want her to exist in something other than pictures and my memory. I want this nightmare to be over.

I try to stay postive and most of the time, I may seem fine but somedays I just have to let it out. This life sucks. It hurts and I want my daughter back.