Friday, October 5, 2012

One Month

Having a rainbow baby can be described in many terms. It is beautiful, it is heartwarming, it is joyful, it is life-saving but most of all, is bittersweet. Oh, just so bittersweet.

Today, Rhone is one month old. I can't believe it's already been a month since he was born. A month since my world started to light up again. I am completely in love with him. I love watching every moment of his day. I don't want to put him down or take my eyes off him. Despite the fact that I can't wait to see how he grows, I am enjoying living in the now because I know he won't be this young forever. Whether it be him peeing on me while changing his diaper or smiling while tickling his feet, I am cherishing every moment I have with him, especially cause I know it could be gone in the blink of an eye.

That's what makes life bittersweet. As I hold Rhone and watch his first smile, hear him coo at me while I hold him on my chest or even feed successfully in the middle of the night, I can't help but feel a little sadness mixed in with the thrill of seeing my child thrive and grow and hit these developmental markers. It reminds me that I have another child that didn't get to hit any of these milestones or do any of these things. And it hurts.

Those are the moments that I have to force myself to shut off my brain. There are times when I am sitting there, rocking my beautiful baby after he has finished his meal and my mind starts to wander. I think about how much I love him, how much I enjoy holding him and how I never want to let him go. Then I think about how I have had to let one of these beautiful babies go - I had to do the unthinkable. I know it's weird because I have obviously gone through it, but I can't not physically comprehend how I was able to let her go. How I was able to come through her death still breathing with my sanity (mostly) intact? Just thinking about the pain of ever losing Rhone is excruciating. How the hell did I ever survive the loss of my daughter?

And then I have to stop and go back to living in the moment and enjoying my son. My rainbow. One of the people that has saved my life and is helping me go on. Someone that lets me catch a glimpse of what I lost - a gift that is so beautiful yet so painful. So bittersweet.

Happy one month birthday little man.


  1. I am from the July '11 birth board and I have followed your blog for around a year now. I think of you and pray for your peace and continued healing often. I love seeing these pictures of your rainbow baby; he looks like such a joy and a blessing to have!

  2. He looks so much like your beautiful Naya. I too, think of how unbearable it would be to lose one of my precious babies. You are a hero to me, because you've been through this hell and you're coming out on the other side, and you're sharing your story. Thank you.

  3. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I am from July '11 board, too, and have followed your blog for about a year. My heart aches for what you have lost, but rejoices for the beautiful bundle of love that is now in your life. Rhone is simply gorgeous. I am so glad you have him in your life!

  4. I too am from the July '11 board and though I've never posted here, I've followed your story since day one over a year ago. I just want to thank you for continuing to share your story and congratulate you on the birth of your beautiful rainbow, Rhone. I think of you and baby Naya often.
    Sending love!

  5. He is such a ham! Too cute for words. You're doing wonderfully, mama.