Waiting

I feel like my life is a big waiting game now. Actually, this whole god damn year has been a waiting game. First we patiently awaited the birth of our daughter. We waited for her to try to get better in the hospital. We waited for the damn autopsy report after she died (more on this in a second). Now we are just waiting for the stupid holidays to be over because maybe that will help lift some of the fog that we are in.

We did finally get the autopsy report about a week and a half ago. I can't really go into much detail but it wasn't very surprising. She didn't have any genetic disorders and her lungs were the biggest problem. I guess it was good to find out that there was nothing genetic to prevent us from trying again. And now, that leads to another waiting game. Actively trying to have another baby.

I said in an earlier blog entry that I had a pre-conception visit with my OB a while back and she gave us the go ahead to try again. We waited (look - there's that theme again) for a month because we didn't want to be on the same "timeline" as we were last year with Naya. That would have been entirely too painful.

And now game on. We are actively trying to conceive. I never realized it before but trying to conceive is a huge waiting game. Especially when your body's natural cycle is all thrown off due to the fact that I gave birth five months ago and grief does a real number on one's hormones. So now we are waiting again. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to be able to test. Just a whole bunch of stupid waiting. Being an incredibly impatient person in general makes this waiting fucking torture. We were able to conceive with Naya the first month around but I have a feeling this is not going to be so easy. The ironic thing is that after we do conceive, you know what's going to happen? That's right! More waiting! And a terrified panicky waiting at that.

Wish us luck - we are going to need it.