Grieving with Glee

I used to be a huge fan of Glee. The first two seasons, I never missed an episode and was faithful in buying the DVD's right when they came out (this was before the show was on Netflix) so I could binge watch whenever I wanted. After my daughter died, I attempted to watch the show again but lost interest in the plot line, especially since at the time there was a lot of focus on the baby girl that Puck & Quinn gave up for adoption. It was just too hard for me to watch. I honestly have not followed the show since and have no idea what the characters have been doing since 2011. But once I heard about the tribute they planned to honor Cory Monteith's (The Quarterback), I knew it was a not-to-be-missed episode. I was not disappointed.

Interestingly, Glee decided to move focus from the subject of Finn's death and instead concentrate on the way his friend's and family were dealing with it. The episode concentrated on grieving. And boy, was I blown away by how accurately they portrayed grief. It was obviously written/directed/acted by people in the midst of the grieving process and it showed. They got it. The pain, the irrational anger, the sadness, the laughter, the terror, the complication of emotions, the fear of the future, the tears that seemed to come out of nowhere. The show did a fantastic job of taking the viewers on the grief roller coaster that the bereaved are oh so familiar with. It was quite painful yet beautiful to watch, particularly because you know the actors weren't acting. Those emotions were a true representation of how they were feeling after losing their friend.

There were many moments in the episode that portrayed the grieving process eloquently and, sadly, familiarly. In one scene, Santana gets so irrationally angry at Sue for not allowing candles at Finn's locker that she screams in her face and pushes her into a bookshelf. While I never resorted to physical violence in the early stages of grief, I remember feeling like I was a ticking time bomb who could go off at any second. I fought back the urge to yell at people, sometimes unsuccessfully, quite frequently. I realize now how hurtful and irrational that behavior is but I also know that you can't control it at that stage because it is almost impossible to think rationally when your heart is broken. Another moment that had me in tears was when Rachel said “Nobody treat me with kid gloves, OK? I don’t know what to say either.” Damn. Isn't that the truth? I know she was speaking from experience in that scene, as she is most definitely experiencing that in real life. I don't know how many times I've walked in a room and literally felt the pity pouring out of everyone. It's such a strange feeling because you know no one can help it and the have the best intentions but it is just so damn uncomfortable. It just magnifies the abnormality of an already abnormal situation and makes you feel like even more of an outcast. And honestly, it's two years later and I still don't know what to say.

The most pivotal scene of the episode is when Finn's family began packing up his room. First off, this act alone needs to be acknowledged. Packing up your child's belongings after their death is one of the hardest things that anyone ever has to do. The only reason I even did it was because we needed the room. Second, this scene focuses on Finn's family. While his friends are hurting, it is his family who is going to be affected the most by his death. Their life is forever changed and nothing will ever be normal again. I was in tears as Finn's mom said the thoughts that go through the heads of all grieving parents, “You don’t get to stop waking up. You have to keep on being a parent even though you don’t have a child anymore.” I have to wonder if a grieving parent wrote that line because it is so scarily accurate. They will always be our child and we have to wake up and face the fact that they died every single day.

Huge kudos to Glee for being brave enough to focus on the act of grief rather than the story of Finn's death. Grief is such a taboo topic in our culture and it was very comforting for those of us who have gone through it to have such a mainstream show confront the topic and show how normal it is.


 

Release days

One thing I've learned about grief over the last 7 months is that it doesn't get less painful, it just gets easier to cover up. It gets easier to get through the day because you become more and more practiced on pretending that you are okay and not dying inside. It gets easier to recognize your triggers and avoid them. It gets easier to put on that mask everyday and pretend to be a happy, functioning person. Believe me, you are still hurting the same inside as you were before but the time that has passed makes you that much better at pretending.

While most days you can avoid the pain and function, there are some days which you have to let it overwhelm you. You have to give in to the pain and deal with it for that one day (or two, or three, or week or whatever it ends up being) so you can heal. Those days give you the opportunity to feel your emotions and, essentially, release them. Yesterday was one of these days for me. Yesterday, was the 7 month anniversary of Naya's death.

Anniversary days are notorious for the grieving (as are holidays). They are a reminder of what we once had and what we lost. Death anniversaries are even worse because we are able to put a definitive number to how many days it's been since we last saw our loved one and how long we've been missing them. It makes you face the reality that they are gone all over again. And it sucks.

Yesterday, I just let the emotions of the day take me. For one, I knew a day like this was coming - I had a good two week run of normality and for the grieving, this never lasts. Plus, the day fell on a weekend that Ty was with his dad and Dan was working. I was alone and able to let my emotions out. I woke up and went to the gym for an hour. Afterwards, I grabbed some Starbucks and took it to the cemetery and had breakfast with my daughter. And cried. A lot. I stayed there for about an hour, then drove home. On the way home, I listened to the playlist we used at Naya's memorial service. And I cried more. When I got home, I opened her door and went in her room (something I've actually done quite a bit lately but that's for a separate post). I sat in her chair, wrapped her blanket around me and read the nugget a book. I cried while doing it but I was proud of myself. It was a way to share my Naya with her little brother or sister. Afterward, I took a shower and drove out to have lunch with Dan, shopped and then went to work. All-in-all, I'm glad that I let myself have a day because I needed it. I miss her. So much.

Anyway, before I start crying even more than I already am while writing this, I wanted to mention that Dan and I had bracelets made to sell for our March for Babies walk. They are purple rubber and say "Marching for Naya" on them. If you are interested, here is a link to our wepay store and you can order one. All proceeds will go to the March of Dimes (less the shipping).

https://www.wepay.com/shop/naya-papaya-bracelets

We have two more weeks left before the walk and we are very excited to be one of the highest fundraising teams in the nation! We would love to stay that way, so any little bit helps! Thank you all in advance.

Waiting

I feel like my life is a big waiting game now. Actually, this whole god damn year has been a waiting game. First we patiently awaited the birth of our daughter. We waited for her to try to get better in the hospital. We waited for the damn autopsy report after she died (more on this in a second). Now we are just waiting for the stupid holidays to be over because maybe that will help lift some of the fog that we are in.

We did finally get the autopsy report about a week and a half ago. I can't really go into much detail but it wasn't very surprising. She didn't have any genetic disorders and her lungs were the biggest problem. I guess it was good to find out that there was nothing genetic to prevent us from trying again. And now, that leads to another waiting game. Actively trying to have another baby.

I said in an earlier blog entry that I had a pre-conception visit with my OB a while back and she gave us the go ahead to try again. We waited (look - there's that theme again) for a month because we didn't want to be on the same "timeline" as we were last year with Naya. That would have been entirely too painful.

And now game on. We are actively trying to conceive. I never realized it before but trying to conceive is a huge waiting game. Especially when your body's natural cycle is all thrown off due to the fact that I gave birth five months ago and grief does a real number on one's hormones. So now we are waiting again. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to be able to test. Just a whole bunch of stupid waiting. Being an incredibly impatient person in general makes this waiting fucking torture. We were able to conceive with Naya the first month around but I have a feeling this is not going to be so easy. The ironic thing is that after we do conceive, you know what's going to happen? That's right! More waiting! And a terrified panicky waiting at that.

Wish us luck - we are going to need it.